shirtless o'clock

Movin on Up!

2008-02-29T14:51:00.002-05:00

Ok, despite promise after promise that I would start putting more posts up here, and that hilarity would ensue, I have decided to take (another) official hiatus from Shirtless O' Clock. Sorry to all two people who are now visibly upset. No? Maybe mildly disappointed. No? Ok, then to the two people who are now shrugging their shoulders a bit. I will hopefully be lending my crop of verbage to a new blog, NewJerseyHipster.com. Its about music, and not really being a hipster, because we are aware that the moment you say you are a hipster, you're not one anymore. That doesn't matter to us. I won't leave you without a little tease, however, of what might have been.

These are the headlines that never were:

Americans uneducated, in prison. Future looking bright.

Top 5 ways to put off doing your essay for just a little longer.

Huckabee wants to create fourth branch of government, "Almighty Branch," to oversee other branches.

50 foot Robo-Jesus attacks downtown San Fransisco; Church of Robo-Jesus founded same day.

I'm not wearing any pants right now!

If a post is made, and no one is around to read it, does that make it part of a blog?

2008-02-08T15:32:00.000-05:00

Just wondering. Maybe more stuff later, if I feel like it. If I'm so inspired. If I'm bored.

Coming soon: Shirtless O Clock goes Hollywood!! (Ooooooo's and ahhhhhhhhhh's)

News With Comments!! Powered by Yahoo! News

2007-05-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

Having hours and hours of free time on the internet during work has made me realize something. There is nothing funnier than real life. No, actually, if there is, its real life as filtered through the Yahoo News feeds, and distilled into one line summaries. So without further ado, I bring you... (the newly dubbed)

Yesterday's Headlines... Today!

Judge sues cleaner for $65M over pants

The top story today, a douchebag with too much power (a judge) and a hatred for all those he considers lesser than him (everybody) is suing a poor Asian family for losing a pair of pants of his for a week. His rationale? He wants them to pay $1500 a day for him to rent a car so he can go to another dry cleaner for the next ten years. In related news, I am suing the same judge for $25 million for all of the aspirin I will have to take over the next 25 years every time I think about this.

IBM bores tiny holes in computer chips

Ok, so I though this was really cool, that they now create holes in microchips 20 nanometers wide to make the chips run faster and with less energy. 20 nanometers is unfathomably tiny! But when I told my roommate about this, his reaction was "So? I deal with nanotechnology all the time." Which bring me to my next headline: Engineers are pretentious know-it-alls

Masks may not help against super-flu

Nothing can protect you from... the SUPER-FLU! Seriously, though, we're all doomed.

3,500 lbs. of bat guano found in attic

This was actually in the "Top Stories" section

************************************************
Now for a special segment of my News segment (segment within a segment), called:

It's about time!

Prosecutors want Paris Hilton in jail

It's about time!

Couple burned alive for "black magic"

It's about time!

Naked man superglued to exercise bike

...Ouch, that sucks

Seacrest Out!

-SOC

Hey! You know, that's filled with sodium!

2007-05-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

So, I should be doing actual school work, but I've only been looking at cooking blogs. Mmmm, food

It's got me thinking...my college diet has been pretty poor lately, what with unhealthy obese men at ShopRite telling me that there's too much sodium in my food. But you know what, that creepy old fat man (New Jersey's State Animal) was right.

Most of the food that I've bought as groceries is so highly processed that its devoid of nutrients and filled with who-knows-what (+ sodium). It's gotten to the point that when I go to the Dining Hall I unconsciously go straight for the salad bar. I think that's my body telling me to eat healthier, which is kind of sad because I'm at the BROWER DINING HALL.

So I've had this realization that I should eat better, wherever I am, unless it proves to be an impossibility. That had me thinking about what I could do about this: which got me back to the cooking blogs, with their oh-so delicious recipes.

Now I'm anxious to get back home, and cook myself a meal (and hope to God it turns out edible). I'm considering foods that will be suitable for dorm life next year: so far, I've got: pastas and rices, soy products, pickled vegetables (need to learn how to do this properly over the summer)...I'm gonna try to cut out instant ramen from my diet, or at the very least reduce consumption.

But yea, cooking. Can't wait. Another reason to waste my monies. :(

New Shirtless Segment!!!

2007-05-01T12:26:00.000-05:00

In my endless quest to both entertain and enlighten our shirtless reader, I'm introducing my new topical, informative segment:

News with Comments. (Brought to you by the fine folks at the New York Times)

Oregon Governor Lives on Food Stamps Worth $21 for One Whole Week

Clearly someone has never heard of Ramen noodles. I'll bet you I can live on... (lets see, one packet = 15 cents * 3 meals a day * 7 days in a week) $3.15 a week. Come on, any takers?

34 Duke Business Students Face Discipline for Cheating

So apparently business students cheat more than any other major (a statistic brought to you by Rutgers University). But the real story here is that a teacher gave a take home final exam! That's like giving a college student a sandwich and telling him not to eat it (seriously, we're hungry here). Also, Duke must be teaching a course in getting headlines in the New York Times, because they have succeeded valiantly this year. Followed closely by us, of course.

Solving the Mystery of Duck Genitalia

All I have to say is... it's about damn time!

I Miss Fluffy

2007-04-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

Here is an ode to the most vicious, adorable, badasssssssss dog you will ever meet...

(Warning. Cuteness overload below)

That's it. No sarcasm or jokes. Just Fluffy. (Oh, and one of Goldie so she doesn't feel left out)

Seacrest out!

-SOC

Papers are Tough

2007-04-26T18:18:00.000-05:00

I am tired mentally and physically, with a test and a paper due tomorrow. I will sum my up my feelings in the usual way, by using unrelated pictures and words to represent a shallow visage of my internal state for your amusement!!! Hooray! Normally I would use my Mr T. rating system, but in honor of my newer, classier style of Shirtless O Clock, I have made a change. This is my 19th Century existentialist philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche rating system!

My Mood Right now: 2 Nietzsche's out of 10 (eh it could be worse, but not by much)

More things I know

2007-04-25T04:40:00.000-05:00

I am no good at the Photoshop. I must improve.
I am very good at wasting time. I must do work now.
I look much better in black and white. See facebook for proof.

Now With Titles!!!!

2007-04-24T15:56:00.000-05:00

Thousands of man hours and millions of dollars have gone into giving Shirtless O Clock a brand spanking new title bar! Now... um, things will have titles! Hazzah!

2007-04-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Everybody Happy Time Explosion!!! Dance Real Good Now Yay!!!!

Hello again to all. You, over there across the series of tubes often times called the interwebs, are here for some quality time wasting, jaw dropping, bowel releasing entertainment that only the folks at Shirtless O Clock can bring you. Well, wait no longer because I will be dropping some seriously big, steaming posts for you all to consume at your liking. This time around I will be doing more than just talking about the ever important world of me and the five foot radius around me. I will also be writing about some serious, life affecting, global, political, and socio-economic issues that will, I am sure, affect you all greatly. When all is said and done you will soon be among the converted, and you will be erecting shrines to those glorious golden gods whom you may call Shirtless.

Here are a few of the topics that I may or may not being covering soon.

COMING SOON (Maybe)

You all know of the ubiquitous spork (aka foon), but do you know about the newest craze in merging common utensils into a less efficient version of either one? That's right, I'm talking about the spife (otherwise known as the knoon) . The spife is the creation of a Swedish inventor, Yan Ouchenmeyer, and is the product of over 15 years of research and testing. Yan came upon the idea one day when he was trying to eat some particularly thick stew, and realized that he could add a razor sharp serrated edge to the outer rim of the spoon. Seventeen hospital visits later, Yan had finally perfected his spife, and he released it into the Swedish market to tremendous success. In my upcoming post I will discuss the political importance of the spife, as well as other upcoming appliance innovations including the wooden knife, the cheese grater/toenail file, and the smoke alarm/white noise machine!
Remember the Thermo-chemical Principles of Dan? Well, from the guy who brought you those (me) comes a bunch of other sciency sounding things that I have no business getting involved in. I'll try my hand at reasons that evolution chose certain features in nature over others. For instance, what I like to call the cute-and-fuzzy principal of survival. I will also try to discover the missing link. I think it looks something like this.

There is no telling how good this blog can get, so make sure to keep tuned and tell your friends. And if you have no friends, then you are a sad, sad person, and I don't ever want to meet you, so please stop reading this you waste of humanity, and go out and get a job. You're always just sitting on the couch, eating Taco Bell and playing those damn video games! Why can't you be more like your brother, David. He's only 25, and already he's going to be a doctor, and a lawyer, and look at you, you fat putz! What kind of son are you anyways? You think you help me around the house a little more, at least? (Whoa, sorry, lost my train of thought there)

In the words of my hero, "Seacrest out!"

-SOC (shirtless o' clock)

2007-04-21T19:03:00.000-05:00

I feel sorry for people who don't go to a school with this kind of atmosphere; who never have such a nice day on a beautiful campus (ok, Busch is kind of a nice campus) with people flocking to see a meaningless game. Just a practice, really, where the scores don't matter, the players aren't trying their hardest, but nevertheless, people young and old, rich and poor, flock from all parts of new jersey in a sea of scarlet to one place, Rutgers Stadium, where the only thing everyone has in common is a school, but where that is the only thing that matters.

**** I'm going to be doing more posts and maybe taking this a little more seriously for a while because I put this site on my resume. Everyone can and should keep making posts, but keep it clean and semi-dignified. ok, that is all, a real post is coming soon*****

2007-04-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

chew gum after somebody else has already chewed it? if no, how about if it's your significant other who has been chewing it? does that change your opinion of it all?

2007-04-18T01:27:00.000-05:00

You are no doubt as confused by Ravi's non-sequitors and going-ons as I am. Since I care about the state of Shirtless O'Clock, I have scrutinized his writings carefully and the hidden messages I've discovered are too strange for me to discuss without succumbing to the madness of it all. Remember the saying, "When you gaze into the void, it also gazes back at you." All in all, however, I have to reaffirm my membership to the popular Facebook group: Up With Ravi, He's Not Half-Bad.

Something else to consider: Ravi is neither a Ra nor a Vi, discuss.

2007-04-05T09:58:00.000-05:00

The Few, The Proud, The Old

Recently, in a heated conversation, a friend offered me the chewing gum she was chewing. I figured that the passing of the chewing gum would yield sexy results. I was wrong - dead wrong. The gum was removed from the orifice it was in use and brought into daylight whereupon I realized that gum, sans flavor, looks a lot like a shriveled up old person.

Whilst chewing, I was visualizing chewing an old person - one that had no shot of stealing more money from Social Security and wouldn't bitch/whine as much as I would if someone were to chew me. The satisfaction of the latter statement, especially from the fact that this old person would not be feeding off Social Security, brought flavors to my mouth scarcely dreamt of by most of our population.

A little more thinking led me to my epiphany of the day - to solve the Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security problem that is threatening this gloriously forgiving nation to the brink of knocking on the door of the Maffia for more money to fight our very justly waged wars, we need to turn old people into gum. A petition for this will be circulating shortly; as engineering representatives, Mike, Jericho and I will lead a panel of Nobel Laureates to come up with a way to turn old people into gum with the objective of maximizing juiciness and minimizing price of gum.

Obviously, most of the laureates are already old so we would use them for testing this machine rather than unnecessarily pulling old people from their positions as much needed homicidal maniacs in cars that help balance the overwhelming reproduction rate of this fair nation. It is my belief that this route will save money and avoid unnecessary search-and-destroy missions for old people when the product may not be working.

As a side note, it is important to mention that gum prices have escalated to outrageous heights in the past millennium from 2 gold coins in the dark ages to just over $1 for a pack of gum. By entering this market with fresh old-people flavors, we may be able to undercut all producers of gum because of the vast supply of old people. Naturally, the patenting of our old-people-to-gum machine would prevent all possible competitors from surfacing - lest the competitors patent a machine that converts babies to gum ... in which case we may have to think of alternative competitive plans.

Cheerio,

Ravi

2007-03-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SHIRTLESS O'CLOCK, BOYS?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GLORY! THE UNENDING LAUGHS! THE COMIC RELIEF! THE SEEMINGLY POINTLESS RANTS ON EVER MORE POINTLESS SUBJECTS?!?! WHERE, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS... DAMN IT, WHERE?!?! MEN... WOMEN... TO ARMS! TO ARMS! WE CAN RETURN THIS FORUM TO ITS FORMER GLORY! WE CAN! WE CAN! NOW... ... ........... .... .... HMMM...... you know what... i think this can wait til tomorrow... yeah that sounds better... ok boys... we'll worry about this tomorrow... ok good night

2007-01-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

alright so you've all heard the song "hey leonardo (she likes me for me)" by Blessed Union of Souls, right?.. ... well keep it in mind.. most mornings, for whatever reason, i wake up with a song stuck in my head as soon as i wake up... doesn't have to be one i like or have heard recently... just one i've heard... anyway, i woke up one day with that song stuck in my head, but with different lyrics... funny lyrics... so today, i finally followed it up and made a little song parody... if it sucks, please feel free to tell me... but it's 1 in the mornign right now and i just finished it and i think it's pretty good... again, though, i could be very wrong.. so go onto myspace and listen to the song while you're reading my lyrics... tell me what you think...

“Hey retardo (she likes me for me)”
-sacred togetherness of spirits

she don’t care I’m in a coma…
she don’t care that I’m gay…
and that’s real good cause I like hanging more with men…
but we all know, that don’t mean nothin’..

she likes me for me!
Even though I sing like Helen keller!
maybe someday I should tell ‘er, i think I’m a girl..
but what she sees…
are the balls she wishes I had…
my awkward sex positions…
and the fact that I’m so terrible in bed…

she don’t care about my big feet….
Or my diagnosis of VD…
Things like that just never mattered much to her...
Plus shes already got it from me…

And she don’t care that I won’t buy her…
Birthday gifts cause I’m way too cheap…
By now she damn well better know…
That I don’t ever wanna go any-…
Where, I think I’d rather sleep

She likes me for me!
Even though my friends call me retardo..
or instead it’s just “hey lardo”!
that’s one of my pet peeves..
shit now I have to pee!
How will I finish this song?
Eruption now in my dong!
And I’m so glad I’m wearing my depends!
And I’m so glad I’m wearing my depends..
Yeah I’m so glad I’m wearing my depends…

One time she caught me feeling…
A man while I was kneeling next to him
It’s just what she’d been afraid of…. so I told her “it’s
A hernia check” instead..

She likes me for me!
Even though I can’t say manicotti…
I eat chocolate off my own body..
I like her for her!
Even though she’s legally a midget…
But she’s 18 so it’s legit
Why does she waste all her time with me?
There must be something there that I don’t see…
Still have to pee…

She likes me for me!
Even though, my ass is really hairy…
And I dance just like a fairy… I’m such a manly guy
I guess it seems…
That I’m just lucky to have her …
Yeah I’m so glad I have her..
And I’m still glad I’m wearing my depends…
… wearing my depends…
my depends…
yeah I’m still glad I’m wearing my depends..

2006-12-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a good New Year.
Hopefully this weekend I'll go to New York, and next weekend it'll be a ski trip. Tis been pretty fun so far. Spending time with the cousins, and spending time with the friends. Haven't done anything exciting so far. :(

But I wish you all a big party time explosion.

2006-12-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. White-Trash-Killer-of-Freak-Deer-Man,

You had in your hands (and probably some in the grill of your car) a remarkable discovery. You yourself said "It was definitely a freak of nature.I guess it's a real rarity." And you were most definitely right. That deer that you ran over with your car (I'm betting it was some kind of pickup truck or tractor) had 7 legs!! and both male and female genitalia!! it was a veritable super deer. It could have been studied by scientists, or sold to some collector of the bizzare for some serious money. It could have had far reaching implications on the study of genetics, could have exposed illegal radiation dumping somewhere nearby or a discovery to what casued such an extreme birth defect. However, I'm not sure that I agree with what you actually did with it. Keep in mind here that this deer was run over by your car, and is technically road kill. In your exact words, "It kind of gives you the creeps when you look at it," followed by "And by the way, I did eat it, It was tasty." no words

2006-11-27T03:45:00.000-05:00

Lots of free time + Lab Report Due - Daily Show Videos = Shirtless O'Clock Post!!!

First of all, let me say that without my knife wrench I would not have gotten through some really tough times... anyways. I have to do something so I think I will... hmmm, write about... oh, lets say... (looks around computer lab) paper, no.... asians, no... how about... goddammit!! How am I suppose to write my magnum opus without some inspiration. I certainly have the time - although I'm fairly certain I should be writing something about rats right now - hey, someone's online to talk to. Oh, just loggin off, ok. Fine, maybe I'll write about facebook, or wikipedia, or dictionary.com (used that to check that magnum opus was actually a word, and not just something I made up). Hmm, how about I write about IP Relay. How is it that we can actually get away with that? Most of the calls they get ahve to be prank calls. Eh, that's it for that topic. Oh, I know, how about I write about writing about stuff!! Nah, that's a terrible idea.

2006-11-20T08:18:00.001-05:00

Dan Wassington and the Case of the Dissapearing Sundays

Yesterday I woke up at 1 PM and went to sleep at 5 PM. I'm glad that it makes it easier to stay awake during my overnight shift, but this is getting rediculous. Sundays don't even exist anymore, I have pretty much moved them over to monday (early) morning. Crazy

2006-11-06T05:20:00.000-05:00

No post today, even though it has been a while, due to lack of motivation/creativity/hilarity. But I will say this. If I was making, say, a Letterman top 10 list, the top of both my top 10 Ways to tell you're a nerd, and top 10 Ways to tell you're asian are both:

1) You hang out in the computer lab at 5:30 in the morning with your friends for fun
(with number 2 being you know more about the computer lab than the people who work there. Hayooooo!)

2006-11-01T19:19:00.000-05:00

happy birthday roman!!!

2006-10-25T00:02:00.000-05:00

So it has come to the attention that my last contest was incredibly lame, and I do agree. So without further ado I bring you:

New Shirtless O'Clock Contest!!!
The Contest Contest

The way to win this contest is to give us an idea for a contest. The most interesting and crazy contest idea wins! And this time the winner will get his/her picture taken with, and autographed by, Borat!!! So get to it.

2006-10-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

Contest Update
A few updates on our Internet Naming contest:

1) The contest was an utter failure, save one submission (anthony, you win, you may now be shirtless if you like)

2) I have lost all faith in you people, and by extention, in humanity itself

3) Goodbye cruel world, there is nothing left for me here

4) The next time you see me, I will be reincarnated as a kitten, an ice cream cone, or an asparagus

5) Look out for the next contest with CraAaAaAzy prizes from Shirtless O'Clock!

2006-10-14T16:36:00.000-05:00

Looks like I'm the first one to throw my hat into the ring and try and win me that hypothetical shirt that Wass has proferred. So without any further ado, here's my list of "potential Internet names."

Potential Internet Names:

The Internetorial Webnection.
The Cybernet.
The big agglomeration of porn sites that I visit and then worry that my mom's going to look in my browser's history but never bother to delete.
That thing with like a dozen good sites and potentially infinite really shitty ones.
The faceb00k-furnishing net.
The computorial bird's nest.

2006-10-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

Shirtless O'Clock contest time!!

We here at shirtless o'clock have decided to have our first ever shirtless o'contest, and hopefully it won't fail miserably. So here's how it goes. Since Shirtless O'Clock is single handedly changing the internet, we want you to submit your own name for the the new, shirtless o'clock internet. We have already had a few on this site: Internets, interwebs, interwebnetron (you get the idea) but we're looking for bigger and better.

So submit your own suggestion, and the winner gets a free shirt, Shirtless O'Clock style (i.e. you get nothing, we don't wear shirts here, duh). So get cracking, and hopefully we can make the interwebnetron a better place.

2006-10-11T23:50:00.000-05:00

So, shirtless o'clock is still around I see. My plot to bring about its demise, as well as that of its contributors, has certainly failed. Alas, I must move onto phase two of my plan...which is really just posting every now and then. *sad face* [or :( for the visually inclined]

So, as I explored that digital jungle which is known as the internets, I stumbled upon a horrific existance.

http://shirtlessoclock.com/

Do not avert your eyes; there exists another blog which references men who enjoy spending their time together sans shirts (ok, its really not as gay as it sounds). Now, this brings up several interesting questions. Are we peering into a parallel universe? Or is this the work of imposters?

Well, the real shirtless o'clock (us) has decided to delve into some investigative journalism, to find out what really is going on in this crazy mixed up world. Henceforth, I shall now refer to the other shirtless o'clock as bizarro o'clock (bizarro, for short) to avoid confusion.

First lets look at the dates?
Our esteemed establishment has lasted since February 2006, providing a great service to...hmm...no one in particular really. But that's beside the point, my source tells me that bizarro o'clock has existed since January 2006. So this puts us in quite a situation. We most certainly are not copycats, and they were were formed a good month before us. So this rules out the proposition that the bizarros are copycats, right?

wrong

Time travel. Quite a simple ruse, but so very deceptive. It works two fold, they cement their own existence in the internet hall of fame, and bring doubt upon our own. Good move, bastards, but not good enough. Time travel. Is this crazy talk?

No, it isn't...really. We asked leading scientist and time traveller, Doc Brown. Here's what he told shirtless o'clock.

Doc Brown: "Hey. What the hell is going on? What the f*ck are you doing in my home?"
Veenz: "Listen, Doc. We need to know. Is time travel viable? Can it actually happen?"
Doc Brown: "Jesus f*cking christ. How many times must I deal with you tools. I'm Christopher Lloyd, jackass. Christopher Lloyd. Doc Brown is a character, I'm a f*cking actor."

...

Veenz: "Sooo...time travel? Doc, what's the word on it?"
Doc Brown: "Ok, get out."

Important words. Important words. Time travel has indeed warped the mind of such a great scientist. He now believes he is a "Christopher Lloyd." But we have our answer: time travel, very real.

But, shirtless o'clock didn't stop there. Our researchers scoured the bizarro website for any clues. Using mad haxxor methods, computrons, and cats with lazer eyes, they have unearthed some interesting information, specifically, this post:

----------------------------------

Where is Biff now?

here!

Written by Fishbulb
----------------------------------

Now everyone should know that Biff is the hooligan in the autobiographical story of Marty McFly, "Back to the Future;" whom also happens to have time travel experience. Shirtless o'clock tried contacting Biff on several occasions, however, we have unfortunately found nothing. Recently a police report has been filed for the search of Mr. Biff Tannen. Hopefully he will be found soon, and we give our condolences to the young man's family. Shirtless o'clock has danced around the possibility that Mr. Tannen is currently a hostage of bizarro o'clock, at the very least, their post suggests that they know the whereabouts of Mr. Tannen.

Part two of this investigative report, will cover the content of their website. Its dirty work, but somebody has to do it. Lastly, a word to bizarro o'clock.

We're onto you. We're watching.

2006-10-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

Since I think that people are actually reading this again, I think I may try and update more often. It's the least I can do to give you a better way to waste your time (leave some comments too, it's like extra motivation. Just say hi or something).

Movie Preview Continued!!!

Coming this holiday season!

Pac Man the Movie

W-S productions throw their hat into the video game movie arena, a la Uwe Boll (look it up on www.imdb.com) by taking a popular video game with no story, and arbitrarily attaching it to a mediocre movie with a low budget. The story begins when a boy named Patrick loses his parents in a freak killer aardvark attack. Forced onto the streets, he fends for himself until he meets a lovable bum with Tourretes named Mr. Bojangles. Hillarity ensues when Patrick and Mr. Bojangles find themselves opening up a school for inter city kids who need a radical new teacher to show them that they can do anything if they just put their mind to it. Mr. Bojangles also teaches them the true meaning of Christmas. Things go well for them until one day Patrick finds an old arcade game in the basement of the school which opens up a portal to another dimension, where he has to fight off a race of alien zombies with plans of world domination! Over 30 minutes of actual scenes from the video game are seamlessly integrated into the movie so that you will barely even be able to tell when you're seeing footage from the movie and when you're seeing scences from a 20 year old video game!

Will Patrick be able to finish all 35 levels in time to save the Earth? Will he ever be able to love again after his girlfriend betrays him to the alien zombies? And will Mr. Bojangles ever be able to lead a normal life without accidentally cursing off every one of his friends? With a surprising twist ending, Pac Man the Movie is sure to be the movie event of this holiday season!

To maintain the secret twist ending, this movie is not going to be screened for critics

2006-10-09T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'm back at the computer lab, and it's been a... weekend of many happenings, and I have many studies to be doing for tomorrow, etc, so I'll do what I do best, pretend that nothing else is happening, and write some stuff on the internets that has nothing to do with anything...

We're back

I am proud to announce that the formerly defunct Wasserman-Selvarajah Pictures (of Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides fame) is now re-opened and back to making quality pictures. Just in case you haven't been keeping up to date after striking it big with Penis in the Mouth, W-S Pictures invested a lot of money in the mega-budget disaster I Heart Muff Cake: Another Tale of Alex Savvides, and the studio took a big hit. (The rest of the money was spent on Thai Hookers, Mini-Cocktail Umbrellas, and Reeses Pieces) The studio was bankrupt, and had to close for a year. But they finally found an investor willing to put up some capital (their parents), and now they have a new crop of movies that will hit theatres soon.

Here's A Preview:

Coming Fall 2006
A Day of Signicant Significance
The first art picture from W-S Pictures, A Day of Signicant Significance focuses on the life of an abandoned cup of coffee. Shot in black and white, the movie starts with an close up of a cup from a low angle, and then gradually rotates around it over the course of three hours to show the passing time of day. A movie so powerful, that you will feel for that cup of coffee, feel its loneliness, it's heartache, and eventually it's dramatic demise as it goes from a vibrant, hot cup of coffee to a cold, dead pool of lost potential. In the heart wrenching climax the cup is finally put to rest after it is tipped over by a passerby, and then thrown in the garbage. Here's what some critics have said:

"At first I thought I was watching an advertisement for coffee, then I thought I was watching a security camera feed from outside a Starbucks. Then I thought someone was playing a prank on me. But after watching that poor cup for over 3 hours, I really started to feel something, and I can only guess that the burning inside my skull was coming from the intense feeling of sadness I had over that poor coffee's tragic demise. Thumbs Up"

-The guy from Siskel and Ebert who used to be fat (the one who's not dead) (I forget which one)

"I approve of this movie and/or prouduct"

-Joel Seigel

"I would most definitely pay money to see this movie, wouldn't you Dan?" "Yeah, sure I would"

-Not Vinoo Selvarajah or Dan Wasserman

2006-10-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

So I saw what might have been a midget at the Screaming Females show this weekend. From what I've always been given to understand, midgets are under five feet tall, and this woman was at my height while dancing on top of a couch. Some quick algebra: if the couch gave her an extra eight inches of height or more, which would be the amount necessary to put her at my height, then she'd be a midget, and that'd be disappointing knowledge for me to gain, because I've always wanted to dance with a midget. Plus I'd finally be only 19 midgets and a polar bear away from fulfilling my goal of seeing whether 20 midgets could take down a polar bear.

Bears on Manuevers Overseas, Hunting Midgets in the Alps

Midgets Training for Battle Against their Ursine Foe.
Photos Courtesy of Mike Sundance, Rutger History Professor Emeritus

The show itself was excellent, very raw, very jam-band. We even had Ravi there to fill the spot of 'the only not-white person in the audience!' There was much moustachey man-kissing and sloppy moshing, and a good deal of punkish atmosphere all around.

2006-10-03T05:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 6:30 in the morning here at the computer lab. The two hours since my last post have gone fairly smoothly; I had a spirited internet discussion about the applicability of wild animals as food, and then wondered what happens when one drinks 2 large bottles of soda, as far as health ramifications go. Things were proceeding cheekily for a while; I decided to bring my collection of punkish/grungish music, and the time was just flying by.
I was doing fine until I decided to look out the window, and saw my two least favorite morning sights: a jogger and a chirpy birdie. This reminds me that as much as I do, there will always be somebody up earlier and more productively starting his or her day than myself.
As far as the birds, who honestly wants to hear birds or anything cheerful for that matter when they're sleep-deprived and hungry? If I had written that poem "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird," one of the thirteen ways would have been 'augh argh grumble fucking bird', and another would have been 'hey little bird, what the hell-ass crap do you have to be so cheerful about, at friggin' 6:30 AM. Try working and studying like I am, and then we'll see you be all sing-songy.'
So it's a good thing Wallace Stevens beat me to the punch there, because his poems have things like rhyme schemes and actual words and fewer if any curses.
Well, birds can't be all bad, since they provide the eggs that make omlettes, and I'm so feeling an omlette right now. Definitely picking one of those bad boys up at the DH on the way back to the dorm.

2006-10-03T03:33:00.000-05:00

It's a night of half-points thus far: I've gotten halfway through a book I have to read for an exam next week, I've realized that only half of Metric's albums are not utter lame let's repeat four chords and try to sing like we're doing baby kitty lullabies, I've drank 20 of the 40 fluid ounces of Pepsi I brought for my overnight shift, and if you wait until....... now, I'll have worked exactly half of my overnight shift here at ARC. I'm actually debating sending some of the patrons home, it looks like some of these guys sleep all of three hours a week, but if you look on their screens, you can see they're actually functioning. Indians and Asians, from what I'm seeing here, are very resilient people. The fact remains that they're very resilient people who don't seem or eat or sleep or breathe fresh air. I had a really good stretch about 20 minutes ago, it left me feeling really unkinked, which was nice. Nothing else here to report over at the consultant's station.
I guess the trick is to just overcaffinate yourself and wait for the start of classes rush, which looks to be, huh, about 3 hours away. I plan on being positively wired on sugar and Alex juice (caffine) by then, so any angry patients will be on the receiving end of a murdering with whatever I have on hand. Seriously, imagine Battle Royale with staple removers and tape dispensers.
So I'm spending the night with murder fantasies, history readings, indie comics, and my CD collection. Hard to believe I'm still single.
Also, I'm trying that sweatpants and polo shirt thing that the jocks on College Avenue do, I've got to say, for comfort, it's unparalleled by anything else I've tried wearing so far. I feel like I'm rocking the PJs, but I'm also slightly work-dressed. Of course, the queer eye guys would stab in the eyeballs for dressing like this, but they're all just crab-people anyway.
And now we're 8 minutes into the second half of my shift. I found a slinky, but some jerk twisted it so it doesn't do that thing you do when you transfer it from hand to the other. If the lab empties out a little more I may run it down the stair by the luxury deluxe soft seat auditorium; I think then my hi-jinks would officially be upgraded to wacky. Yikes, I just realized that my co-worker's been doing homework this whole time.
I've also been wondering about the people in the lab a bit. If I were an anthropology major or a psychology major I'd definitely try to figure out why the crap they're here so late. But I'm not, because I fear and resent numbers... the symbols, not the eponymously-nicknamed Ravi. So I'm just going to make up some stories about them.
Bland-faced Asian came here to research how to shave his head without missing a spot because it seems like that's what happened to him last time he tried.
Guy who's using his laptop that he brought at the computer lab accidentally got paired with a female dominitatrix roommate this year by Rutgers Housing, because she threatened to flog the housing people with a live fish if she was put in the new lounge rooms. Which is why he comes here to work (because he gets worked over if he stays home) and why he's so jittery (wouldn't you be?)
Smoke-stench white guy is trying to figure out how to get in on the whole 200 million dollar class-action lawsuit against the Tobacco Industry, but first must learn to curb his creepiness. And he's online all night trying to find the perfect toupee for his court experience, because he's like our age and has a freaking bald spot.
As for me, I need the 60 dollars after taxes this shift will pay to help save the children's orphanage, before the bank forecloses on their property to make way for an evil weapons testing facility. And if I succeed, I'll win the love of the standoffish but good-hearted and humbly attractive orphan-taking-care-of-lady, and the main female weapons tester will fall in love with my nerdy sidekick. I will be played by the broken-nose dude from that movie about the guys who crash weddings. The name of said movie was The Hunt For Red October.
Well, I'll write some more about these thrilling escapades later, but Alex is here to drink caffine and sugar rich soda and write run on sentences, and I'm all out of run on sentences.

2006-10-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

Listen carefully:... Yeee-Hawwww! That's the sound of me making vinoo whip me up a fresh batch of shirtless o'clock account. I forgot the password for the first one, and the log-in for the second one, but I won't forget this time, because i got it tattoed into my foreskin, upper leg, and labia. So now I can make a whole bunch of posts about my nightmarishly uneventful life including: the word labia (ad nauseum) and Dan Wasserman v.s. Octopus battle fiction... with sexy results.

I google-ed image-eded Dan Wasserman and Octopus and here were two of the grand images that popped up through my internet wires. guess which one which one is, and you might win something fantastic!

Actual sexiness of results may vary.

I'm really hoping that our exciting blog grows in awesomeitude as the semester goes on, especially considering the fact that three of the posters are required by their jobs to be in front of computers all the time. We'll be able to make fun jokes about office work, and printer jams, and how it seems like you never can find a pen when you need one. Then we'll kill ourselves!

All right, I'm going to read some Wolverine. I'll post more later, but somebody might need some staples or something, so then I'll have to stop typing to give them some staples. But it sure is good to see the old blog back together!

2006-10-02T02:26:00.000-05:00

Now that Ravi has offended (see below) all of our African American readers (hey, it could happen someday), I will first apologize, and then continue with what most likely will become a weekly graveyard-shift-at-ARC post, and fullfil my promise to you to keep updating and keep this blog chugging along like the little Engine-that-could that it is. Um, read, look, enjoy:

My Trip to New York by Danny Wasserman (first grader)

Last night me and Lauren took a trip to New York to see the big buildings and lights and stuff, and we saw some really cool other things too. Well firstly I had to take the train, which was a whole lot of fun. Wheeeeee!! When I got off the train, I saw Lauren, who did the same job at Aircast that I do at the Computer Lab, make sure that the internet is still there. Anyways, we got on a Path train that smelled a lot like pee-pee, (some of the poeple on the train must have needed their diapers changed), and went zooming up to the city. I think we passed by a garbage dump, but when I asked Lauren she said it was just North Jersey.

We got to the city and went to Irving Plaza, where we were going to see some bands. I was so excited! We were on the guest list so we got in for free. The first band was "Say Hi to Your Mom", which I guess they picked as their name so that they would always remember to do that, I know I remembered the next day. The show was good, but I don't know if anyone in the crowd was really listening to the bands. They were looking at them, but most were just nodding their heads at someone. I guess they were agreeing with the words in the songs, but I wasn't really sure. When the show finished we went to get hot dogs at Gray's Papaya. They were really yummy. Lauren had to go pee-pee, and she went into one of the doors in Grays. I didn't think it was a bathroom but I guess it was because she came out feeling much better.

It was finally time to leave, so we got back on the Path train, and went back to Newark. I think we took too much time getting hot dogs, becasue when we got to Newark, the trains weren't running anymore :( Luckily someone was still awake and said they would come and pick us up, so we waited outside. There were lots of people getting off of path trains that passed by us, and they all smelled like my daddy when he's having his "sad time". The train must have been really bumpy, becasue a lot of the people were walking funny, kinda wobbly, like they couldn't stand up straight, and they looked kinda sick. We waited with these two nice guys, T-Bone and J-Dog, and they were kinda silly. They kept calling this other guy who was wearing a yellow shirt "mustard shirt" and making jokes about eating hot dogs. There was another man who also smelled funny, and he was standing kinda near us. He was scary looking, and he asked us what we were doing. We said we were ok. I think he liked me becasue he kept on staring at me, but it wasn't a happy look, it was kinda making me uncomfortable. I was glad when someone finally came up to pick us up. We whent home and when we got back we all had sleepy brownies, and went to bed after a long, and fun day. Hooray!

2006-09-28T15:47:00.000-05:00

The below message was meant to reaffirm the fact that I am the Numbers. ... bitch. 6/13ths Black power!

2006-09-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

So!! Another new minute, a new day, a new ... ok, so its no new year. Still is new though. fresh opprotunities to make more money in 5 seconds than most people do in entire years ... ok, so most of these people are below the age of 5. Still counts!

2006-09-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

Continuing with my promise of providing you with quality time-wasting things to read, and since I have so much free time here while I work the night shift at ARC, I will fill you all in on my day as it happens. Enjoy (this is kind of long)

Monday Morning at the Computer Lab
12:00 AM- I arrive, and realize that my shift doesn't start until 12:30. Oh well, I guess now I'm here for 8 1/2 hours. Thanks Alex.

12:30 AM- I officially log in and start doing all of my computer lab duties, like... wait, did I tell you that I logged in already, ok, what else. I, uh, got a clipboard and pen and a sheet that I log the number of questions that I'm asked. Oh, and most importantly I'm logged onto AIM.

1:30 AM- This isn't so bad, I have 8 IM windows open, and am talking to anyone who will respond to me. Dan and Tova even stop by, and we talk, we look at the bomb threat checklist, and I decide to check off that the person who called in the bomb threat had a menacing tone, and used mediocre to good language. I think there was also dog barking in the backround, or maybe it was a factory noise. There are just too many good choices on this checklist. Hmm, maybe the voice sounded intoxicated. Better check it off just in case.

1:45 AM - Dan and Tova leave because I am just getting too busy. I mean its hard to have 4 IM conversations going, and be looking at facebook, and be talking to them at the same time. I have to prioritize. Man, this is looking pretty good so far. I can totally do this.

1:47 AM - Dan passes by the door, waving, and Tova follows, twirling behind him. Maybe I'm starting to lose it already.

2:00 AM - It's getting late in the real world, and people are starting to go to sleep, leaving me to my lonesome self. Now I have to step up the Facebook watching, and maybe even break out some of that homework I brought. Nah, plenty of time for that. Maybe I'll make a Shirtless O'Clock post.

2:30 AM - Starting to lose it a bit, and I have so much more to go. I admire my spiffy new purple hair in the mirror a few times (oh man, the ladies are going to love me now). Swiping people in and organizing cards is actually kinda fun now. What the hell is wrong with me?

3:30 AM - It's pretty damn late now, and I'm feeling giddy. I'm starting to think of the consequences of my decision to take this shift, and I asess the situation. Hehe, I just said ass. There is no one left on IM that I want to talk to. Admire purple hair agian. Still there. Check computer lab. Still there. Check unopened homework book sitting in front of me. Still there.

4:30 AM - Down to the lowest of the low of things to keep me amused, checking away messages. Wow, there are so many ways for people to say that there going to sleep, and so many people who put up lyrics or poems. Oooh, there's even one thats a poem about going to sleep. Now that is clever.

5:30 AM - I can barely see straight at this point. Why the hell are there still people here? What is wrong with them, don't they have something better to do? Like sleep? Or maybe go for a walk, or something. I feel like going over to them and shaking them as I scream in their face "Stop studying!!! I know you're asian, but that doesn't mean that you have to live up to all the damn stereotypes!!" And the only thing they would do in return is smile widely and flash a peace sign. Oh well. I pull out my ace in the hole, an energy drink, and down it. This should keep me going.

5:45 AM - Oh man, that really worked, now if only I had some kind of outlet for all of this energy. Maybe I'll do laps around the consultant desk. Or maybe I'll bench press one of the people in the computer lab, I could totally bench one of the tiny asian girls.

6:30 AM - Crashing... from... caffiene high. So tired now. I shuffle the computer tag cards, and start playing a game that even I don't know the rules to. I look around at the 4 people still in the lab, 2 on one side, on the other. Maybe I could start a war between the two. I could tell one side that the other side said their momma was fat, tell the other side that the first side said they were poopy heads. Oh, I am so clever. I definitely do have my best ideas when I'm completely sleep deprived.

7:30 AM - Dear God, I'm so close! But I haven't done any homework yet. I open the book and stare at the first word on the page. I continue to stare at that word. It is a good word, and it deserves a closer look, I think. "The". That is such an awesome word. Think of where we would be without it. I wonder who invented it? That guy is probably super rich, unless someone stole his idea from him and reaped all the profits. Damn, I feel sorry for that guy, he was such a visionary and now he's going to die alone and penniless. Wait, what was I talking about again?

8:00 AM - The last half hour went so slowly it was painful. I thinkI'm dying. Can you get cancer from lack of sleep? I'll have to look into that. The sheet in front of me where I log questions is completely empty? Wait, should I have recorded when the guy said "Whats up" ? That's a question, right?

8:15 AM - So close I can taste it. And it tastes like oily meatballs from the dining hall still on my tongue, mixed with the bitter aftertaste of my energy drink. Man, freedom doesn't really taste so good now. I think I have left a facebook message on the wall of every friend, but oddly enough, no one has responded to them yet. Next time I think I'll bring a non-textbook to read.

8:30 AM - I'm dizzy and completely unaware of where I am, but I made it. I sign out and walk out of the computer lab, triumphantly opening the front door to arc and stepping through. No, that was a closet. I leave the closet and this time walk out the real front door. I hobble back like a drunkard towards the suites and swipe my card in the door. It doesn't open. It takes me a moment to reaize that I don't live in the suites anymore. Yeah, I was just checking. I go back to my real dorm and fall onto my bed. Now I can get 2 hours of wondorous sleep before my shift at the help desk. Hooray!!!!!!

2006-09-22T22:42:00.000-05:00

Trumpets play fanfare as streamers and confetti fall from nowhere, and a crowd of gathering onlookers stare up at the top of the mighty monolith that is "Shirtless O'Clock" as an proclamation is shouted to be heard throughout the land

"Loyal followers of Shirtless O'Clock (and you must be if you're still checking this website after four months of but a few posts), fear not, for the shallow existence of your lives, now hollow and empty without the constant stream of pure gold flowing from Shirtless O'Clock into your dorm room, will be complete again as we will soon be restored to the former glory of the time we like to call "The Golden Age." We had to take a break over then summer to earn our fortunes, and climb the highest mountains of the northern hemisphere with nothing but a banana and a copy of Chaucer's Troilus and Cressida. But the summer has come and gone, and although we lost the valiant White Nick to ravaging beasts while on our way down from a mountain the natives call "Mount Organic Chemistry", he is still with us in spirit, and now even has his own account on this blog, so he can posthumously keep us up to date on his going ons."

"I will not make a real post now, my children, because no one will likely read this for many moons and seasons (maybe a week or two), and I will have to use my divine influence to get the lazy behinds of the rest of this site's memebers to update as well (i.e. constant nagging). But fear not, for the unstoppable force that is shirtless O'Clock will soon be back, and mightier than ever. Which is pretty damn mighty"

2006-08-21T20:24:00.000-05:00

ALRIGHT, FOLKS! SO I PROMISED THAT I'D CONTINUE WITH MY PREVIOUS POST, AND TONIGHT IT LOOKS LIKE THE NIGHT TO DO JUST THAT! WHITE NICK IS A WHITE NICK OF HIS WORD, YOU KNOW... KEEP IN MIND, EVERYONE, POSTS OF YOUR OWN (CONTINUING ON WITH THE APPLICATION QUESTIONAIRE) WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. MIKE *INSERT STRANGE LAST NAME HERE* DID A NICE JOB WITH THIS IDEA, AND I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME MORE OF YOU JOIN IN ON THE FUN! "but what if my post isn't funny enough?" .... nobody is going to think that! HELL! NUMBERS MAKES POSTS THAT NOBODY EVEN UNDERSTANDS, MUCH LESS THINKS ARE FUNNY. "but i can't think of any other questions to describe a suitable replacement"... son, you need to step up the game. you've run out of funny things to remind yourself of our marry gang? two words, folks... ALEX DIABETES... .. ... .... honestly... let's try to pump it up here! try to remind yourself of the comedy that was, indeed, our everyday lives! did alex stop laughing when roman watched movies in alex's chair, in alex's room... while only wearing his "towel"?... HELL NO! HE PERSEVERED! did i stop writing when i wondered if i spelt persevere correctly??!? HELL NO! WHITE NICK CARES NOT FOR GRAMMAR! come to think of it... did i stop when i wondered if "spelt" was even a word!? YOU KNOW IT! I KEPT GOING... CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I DO! did justin stop laughing when the guys badgered him about his hot sister?!?! alright.. well eventually yes he did... but for awhile we had a pretty good gag going... AND SO, FOLKS! I'M BACK AT IT! HERE COMES THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF THE APPLICATION!

JERICHO

-have you ever been confused for the host of THE IRON CHEF?
-did you play lu kang in the mortal kombat movie?
-does hilary duff sing a song about you?
-will you finally beat justin in a game of smash, stand, and shout "BITCH!" at the top of your lungs? will this lead to a cartoon taped to the tv depicting the incident?
-will you have a hot, never before seen sister?
-i don't know how to word this in a question... but jericho's got this nack for sitting in the midst of a full blown argument/fight and never saying a word... never flinching... could you do that?
-jericho, freakin say something! christ....
-will you smash more than me? .. .... ... and NOT be asked to leave the school?

JUSTIN

-will you simultaneously represent three ethnicities?.. ... ... and still be confused for a mexican (the one thing you're not)?
-will you have fire pants?
-MUTTENCHOPS?
-http://crazytelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ ... this is something justin found.. could you find things like this?
-would you be willing to spend up to 8 hours on entensity.net?
-would you be willing to play online poker for 7 hours straight?

JOE (COFFEE JOE)

-i honestly saw joe once, get up, work on his computer for 5 minutes, then lay back down and fall asleep for 10 minutes... now, that's not the funny part... the thing is, he then repeated steps one through three 8 times... ... ... no joke... you think you could do that?
-will you work at starbucks? ... ... and come home high (literally) on caffeine?
-will you drink a gallon of coffee in three days? as well as 3-4 espresso shots a day?... seriously, this guy's brain must've been racked...
-let's here if for joe, man... that kid was cool... when he wasn't passed out from withdrawl...

MATT, POLITICAL ESQ.

-will you wikipedia everything? ... honestly...
-will you know a lot? ... ... about everything?... ... everyone?... ... .... ever?
-name the presidents in backwards alphabetical order... starting with filmore... (watch this one, guys... i GUARENTEE YOU HE'LL DO THIS AT SOME POINT)... ... (no seriously... he's starting it right now)
-can you climb matt-sticles?
-shout "QUEEN FIVE OFF SUIT!" really loud... let's just see how that sounds...
-when you speak of something that you have an opinion on, do you pace? cause that's not good enough... we need you to walk out of the room... then walk back in... that'll be your "pacing"...
-will you aspire to advertise a drink with the following slogan: "NOW WITH 25% LESS URINE!"?

ALRIGHT WELL I'M DONE, AGAIN... I'M SORRY IF THIS ONE DIDN'T LIVE UP TO THE STANDARDS SET BY THE ORIGINAL... BUT COME ON... ALEX AND ROMAN WERE IN THAT ONE... THAT'S TOUGH TO BEAT... ANYWAY, KEEP COMING UP WITH NEW ONES, EVERYONE! I'D LOVE TO SEE THEM!!! CONTINUATIONS ON THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OR THE SECOND... OR COME UP WITH APPLICATIONS FOR PEOPLE I HAVEN'T DONE YET... GOOD LUCK!

2006-08-11T18:45:00.000-05:00

OH IT'S THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH! AND I GOT A BITCH WIT ME!! (threw that in for veens)
ALRIGHT EVERYONE.... IT'S NO NEW NEWS THAT SEVERAL OF OUR MERRY GANG, MYSELF INCLUDED, WILL NOT BE JOINING IN ON THE RUTGERS FUN NEXT YEAR. Indeed this is quite a tragedy: one that, although we shall indeed overcome, is a terrible setback. However, we must try not to mourn those whom we've lost... instead, let us try to help those with futures... those who have stayed in (their original) (four year) (respected) school. While we certainly DO NOT wish to "replace" the lost, i feel that, for the strength of the group, they (we) must be remembered. As such, i propose a solution. While we won't be there in person, i suggest that the remaining members of the group actively search for suitable replacements, or, as ASIAN would say.... dopplegangers. BUT, WHITE NICK... HOW CAN WE DO THAT?!?!?! easy, ravi... easy... AN APPLICATION QUESTIONAIRE!! and so! without further ado! here it is! (feel free to add!) (oh and while i'm at it, i'm just gonna make one for everyone)... (oh and this idea stemmed from a conversation alex and i had... gotta give mad props where da mad props is due)...

GOTTA START WITH ROMAN CAUSE I HAVE THE MOST STUFF FOR HIM:

- have you ever free-balled it?.. ... .. for a week?
- have you ever made brownies for your girlfriend, making sure to grease the pan?.... ... with two day old takeout grease?
-do you own a towel?
-have you ever bled on your bed sheet? ... ... and not cleaned it? ... and continued to use it? .. .... as a towel?
-have you ever worn your girlfriends shorts?... .... as boxers?.... and then returned them?...... without washing them?
-are you accustomed to leaving takeout trays on your desk? ... for weeks?.... **four weeks?
-will you father a manatee? ... .. a duck?... ... torpedo?

ASIAN

-can you make your way across the room? ..... in the air?.... ... propelled only by a fart?
-can you fart? ... .. to a rhythm?
-do you have tits?
-can you make them bounce?
-will you make them bounce?
-please make them bounce...
-can you be the most hated/loved smasher in the dorm?
-do you listen to the backstreet boys? .. .... ... at 3am?
-will you blast smooth R&B?. ... ... while your suitemate is making out with his girlfriend?
-will you try to barricade matt from coming in to use your computer?
-will you call these barricades "matt-sticles"?

RAVI (AKA "NUMBERS")

-will you be rich before you graduate?
-fuck you ravi
-will you have a facebook group devoted to your demise?
-will you be the only person in rutgers history to check out "THE THEORIES OF ANALYTICAL ACCOUNTING AS DISCUSSED BY THE PHOENICIANS OF THE LATE BABALONIAN WITH RESPECT TO THE DEMISE OF THE EARLY GRECO PERIOD OF THE BARTER SYSTEM" from the library?
-damn it, ravi...
-will you give me a well paying cushiony job when i'm floundering through my adulthood?
-i can wash toilets... i'm not above that...
-mother fucker... ...
-will you own and wear a gangster hat?
-will you wrestle alex?
-WILL YOU BE REALLY... REALLY... HONESTLY.. .OH MAN... HAIRY AS HELL?
-down with ravi

DAN "THE WASS" WASSINGTON

-will you grow a beard faster than matt's mom can suck justin's cock?
-will you be our "that guy"?
-will you sit in your room while we have a conversation in the living room... occasionally contributing without ever showing you face?
-what's with the beard?
-will you pull off the "hippie look" better than anybody i've ever known?
-will you suck dick at that computer game with the space ships and the army controlling and the other stuff?
-will you suck dick at rome: total war?
-will you suck dick? (who didn't see that coming?)

VEENS

-do you like trees?
-will you climb them?
-will you stay in them for hours? ... while throwing fruit?... .... at people?... ... people you don't know?
-can you grow a perfect pirate gotee? (i don't know how to spell that)
-why the hell didn't you keep that thing?
-will you ever ask out a girl?
-will you organize your room so that you'll never actually have to leave your bed? ... .. for anything... ANYTHING....
-will you have 85 healing items at the end of resident evil?... .. and still refuse to use them?... as well as all of those treasures?

MIKE

-will you have a ukranian name that i'll never actually be able to pronounce correctly?
-will you let me find out from somebody else that i've been pronouncing your name incorrectly this whole time?
-will you fix my computer before i actually knew something was wrong with it?
-will you type this sentence faster than it took to think of it?
-will you look half asleep? ... ... at all times?
-will you, no matter what the circumstance, always speak with the same, calm inflection
-mike i think i have a viru... oh you already fixed it?... ok nevermind... thanks...
-will you know twice as much about women as the rest of this group put together?

ALEX

-oh man i've been looking forward to this one...
-seriously... lol... god i don't even know where to start...
-HERE'S ONE...
-will you shout out "## **** *** ***** SHOT!!" in a public place? lmao...
-will you be the most socially awkward person in the dorm? lmao...
-you are fucking hilarious, man... seriously...
-lmao
-lol seriously i'm still laughing
-will you be responsible for half of the hilarious quotes/stories this dorm has?
-will you jerk off while playing resident evil for 4 days straight?... "leon is shooting zombies while i'm shooting... well... mostly blanks at that point"... hahahaha that's just an alex quote, don't worry sherlyn, it's not a true story...
-will you be so greek you sweat baklavah?

AND THAT'S IT FOLKS... THAT'S ALL I HAVE TIME FOR TONIGHT... PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD ON!!!... BE SURE TO, OBVIOUSLY, INCLUDE THE NAME OF THE PERSON TO BE REPLACED.

2006-08-06T03:06:00.000-05:00

Today, I was washing some dishes at my new school residence, when Alex came in from watching TV in the adjacent room. He said, "hey, you're doing a nice job there" and I said, "Si senor." It was an inspired moment, and we had a good laugh about it.
Dan, Roman, Alex and I got together in Fairlawn to watch Everything Is Illuminated. Somehow it was a perfect movie for us to watch, because each one of us could find something in it. For me, it was about Ukraine, Jews, and my hometown of Odessa. For Roman, it was the breakdancing character with more than a passing resemblance to Ill Mitch. I think that Dan and Alex each appreciated the literary and stylistic aspects of the movie, since it is based on a novel and as Dan put it, relies heavily on visuals to tell the story.
We missed Veenz because he's in Massachusetts, and Ravi because he's working in London until the end of August. Alex recently spoke with Veenz and asked what his ambitions are for the rest of summer. Veenz delivered a list of half a dozen items, all of them involving food. I think it was Dan who pointed out that maybe Veenz has the new apartment's kitchen on his mind.
I saw Ravi a few nights before he left on business. We walked around a golf-course. This golf-course had these rotating cylinders shooting two streams of water in either direction, covering what must have been 30 feet. Ravi casually walked up to it and casually stepped over the two streams where they exit the cylinder. Very graceful. I followed in the same way.
Roman was kind and drove me home and Dan as well so that he could get to work at 4am. If I ever thought that Dan was a lazy guy, I retract that 10,000-fold. Roman has cold feet about school, but we all hope he'll get through that.
I think that about covers what's going on with us recently. We hope to throw some fine get-togethers next semester involving themes, tasty drinks, and strip-scrabble. See you then!

2006-05-10T14:59:00.000-05:00

They said it couldn't be built, but we built it. They said it shouldn't be built, but if we didn't, then someone else certainly would. Presenting, the Roman-Torpedo, by the Shirtless O'clock Department of Roman Military (DORM). With its leftover-food detecting guidance system, the Roman-Torpedo is a powerful ally. It is capable of penetrating the hulls of enemy ships with it's eerie stare. Enemies of freedom, take note, the Roman-Torpedo is out there... and it's watching.

2006-05-08T17:17:00.000-05:00

Roman Loves You

2006-05-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

Roman Duck

...that is all. Coming soon: Roman Manatee!

2006-04-29T17:58:00.000-05:00

And Now for a Joke (from Wondershowzen)

The pope, a bear, a rabbi, a pirate, a diplomat, a midget, a woman in a coma, a pelican, and your mom were all relaxing on an Eames chair after a furious fortnight of group hate sex when there was a sound knock at the door. "Knock knock" went the sound emanating from the door.
Simulataneosly, and without missing a beat, an answer broke like desperate yowl from the throats of the oglers: "Who's there?"
Like a shot from the butt gun of a pre-radicalized 1920's anarchist came a response from beyond the door. "Banana."
Faster than a duck could rape a lizard in the mouth, our motley crew of freakazoids, safely ensconced in the luxury of their designer seatlery, shook their heads and bleated as a unit, "Orange you glad we've already heard this joke and so shant be participating (unless of course you are offering substantial financial remuneration)" There was no reply from the other side of the door save this. One absolute rascal of a fart.

2006-04-26T01:32:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. I come to you today with a word from the big dawg: God. Often time, you may question who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me ... and other backstreet boys songs, and I want you to remember this: you're not alone. No-sir-ee. Just like a pervert and a girl's bathroom, or a fat kid on a diet watching some thin guy eat a stick of ice cream, God watches over all of you and guides you to do his bidding ... and ocaasionally smites you for asking shit you don't need ... So just remember, if you're starting a test, and you only know the answer to one of the 20 questions is a D, think of Jesus. Jesus had it much much harder than you ever did - he was forced to do manual labor till God gave him superpowers. So, maybe after you slog away your teens and early 20s, you too may recieve the divine gift of curing leprosy with lazer vision. Good night, and may God watch over you as you sleep.

2006-04-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

People Don't Read Good

One thing I have learned from these posts and this blog is that people don't like to read stuff. As it is, if you are looking at this right now, you're probably very tempted to just look a bit lower on the page at the pictures, and skip all this pointless text. Well, go ahead, I'm not going to stop you, but if you keep reading you'll learn something that could change your life instantly! Oh, who am I kidding, here's a picture of a puppy.

So effective

So I have your attention now, right? Of course, because according to this graph, there is a correlation between the number of pictures in Shirtless O'Clock posts and the average time a reader enjoys each post (in milliseconds).

Graphs are never wrong. Never

So now to the point of this post. A shocking announcement was made today that sent ripples through the Rutgers community, and caused riots on the Livingston campus that claimed the lives of 934 students. Akon will no longer be playing at Rutgers fest!! Instead of the brilliant musical stylings of whatever genre of music he is, we get the crapfest that is Genuine. I hope you will all join me at a protest this Saturday, where we will set the Brower Dining Hall on fire again, as we dance and chant "The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn!" Good times will be had by all.

We will all miss you Akon

Or wait, maybe this is Akon

No? Oh well then, never mind

One last thing before I'm finished here. I was looking at the news today, when I noticed something. The Pope is a really evil looking guy.

I mean, he could easily be the head zombie in House of the Dead 2, and he's definitely a dead ringer of the emperor from Star Wars. Oy Vey! Hopefully no one who reads this is really religious and gets offended, but hey, I have the power to put whatever I want on this page. I can do whatever I want and put my favorite things in the world on here, like this:

Ha, I bet you were expecting Natalie Portman or something,
but look at how cute this puffin is

Or this:

Two Kristen Kreuk's from Smallville need twice the love

Ok, now I'm done. Oh, and for a limited time only, the first 15 people to make a comment on this post will get a free piece of Matzah. So get commenting!

2006-04-19T01:14:00.000-05:00

And Now For Something Completly Different ...

Busch Campus: the epicenter of confusion
North of the blond "Oh-my-god"s, hippie tents, fat sandwiches, and philosophical classes that constitute College Avenue Campus lie regions on a map few white people would ever consider wandering into (with the exception of extremes such as Canada and anything north of Rutgers): (i) Busch and (ii) Livingston. (ii) has too many dark aspects to it, so we will only concentrate on (i). While some call Busch campus, "The ideal setting combining the rigors of hard-ass engineering classes and the soft-ass of that-hott-asian-girl-in-the-long-dark-skirt", I prefer to think of it as "Brown and Yellow Land". By that, I obviously am refering to the overwhelming population of trees and sunshine. However, comming totally as a suprise to me, Dr. Weng Lan of the Institue of Omniscient Intelligent Smart wrote me an email stating the following:

Dear Ravi,
Here at the IOIS, we are still wondering why you were not able to kick Dan out of your room to get that single. Whas up wit dat yo? Anyhoo, I dink dat yer Brown and Yellow ding is freakin racist man. Brown and Yellow mean different highlighters dat racist cannibals use to do homework. Also, dey could mean Brown people and asian people.
Sincerely,
Dr. Weng Lan (Ph.D. in Bitchology from Harvard Community University)

Now, I am no expert on asians, but wouldn't all asians have tiny feet and be allergic to anything that isn't a version of rice? THAT, my well-read friends, its a pure scientific law. Now, unlike the asian topic, I do happen to be an expert on brown people. To my knowledge, all brown people share a few characteristics: all true brown people are vegetarians (meat is meant of savage carnivorous plants), all true brown people are ultra skinny, all true brown people love salt marches, all true brown people hate bollywood, AND all true brown people hate Johnny Depp (We know Gandhi looked better, talked better and was more Oscar worthy than Johnny Depp could ever be ... even though Gandhi was only in one movie). So I really don't think brown people and asians occupy the greater part of Busch Campus.

...

Fuck this shit. Gold is rallying!

2006-04-16T03:52:00.000-05:00

Confessions of a Dangerous Dan
aka I think I have a problem with stealing other people's titles

I am seriously lacking an outlet for my nonsensical ramblings, having no writing class this semester, so this blog is the only thing I have. Others may get their kicks from killing consversations with a single awkward phrase, and still others by humping everyone in sight (not to mention names), but I need to put words onto a (web)page to be happy. So here's some stuff. Seriously. Read it. It's down there. Why are you even still reading this...

Passover is upon us, and as I was opening up my third box of matzah in three days, I began to wonder, Why do I keep kosher for passover? You know, other than that whole religion thing. Well I came up with a few reasons that I think will convince even the least religious person that eating bread during passover is kinda bad.

1) The Atkins diet is making a comeback.
Seriously, you can afford to lose a few pounds, I mean, look at you, you really let yourself go this year. Trust me, Atkins is the way to go. Just ask Dr. Atkins. Oh yeah, I forgot that he died. Well, at least I can be happy knowing that his high fat, high cholesterol, low whole grain diet had nothing to do with his heart attack.

2) You can look down on others.
Are you realy going to eat that Ham and cheese sadwich? Really? Well, I've given up bread for 8 days! Yeah, that's right, no grains for 8 days. So go ahead and eat away you selfish heathen, I've got a delicious matzah right here, and only the chosen people can eat it. Mmmm, dry.

3)Takes your mind off of failing grades and crippling depression.
If you have nothing good going in your life, just spend a whole week trying to find something to eat at Rutgers that's vegetarian and grain free. You'll be so tired from your frequent visits to Highland Park and from malnutrition that you won't have the energy to be depressed.

4)Death of first born.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if you don't do all that passover stuff, and you don't smear lambs blood on your door, your first born is gonna bite the dust. Look it up people, it's in the bible.

2006-04-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

Shirtless O'Clock has been lacking the last couple of weeks, so I decided that I will single handedly lift up this blog, like a ball of proverbial dough, throw it up into the proverbial air, put it into the proverbial pizza oven, and make it into a proverbial delicious pizza with proverbial pepperoni and meatballs and stuff. While we all like to listen to Ravi's nonsensical ramblings on the philosophical significance of marmalade on the history of the Roman Empire, I think now it's time for my trademarked (and by that I mean stolen) :

Tales of Interest (With Pictures)

So last week began with a test in Mars: The Next Frontier (just take a minute to bask in the glory of that name), but the questions weren't all What color is Mars and Why can't you beathe on Mars like the first test. No, this one asked you for the difference between the lake bed sediment collecting in alluvial fans, and the sediment in deltas. I still managed a C on the test, but I have lost respect for Merlin, let me tell you that.

My Mars professor in action

Not much happened for the rest of the week so I'll summarize it for you
1) Ravi ate more cereal and peppers

I'm not sure actually

2) Vinoo spent 99.9% of his time in his bed

What Vinoo probably should look like (that is if he were a girl, white, and 20 years older)

3) Dan A. hung out with his harem

Dan's girls

The weekend came, and we decided to not hold another toga party so that we could actually remember what we did. I thought was a pretty crappy idea too, so we went to a frat party, and danced like a bunch of white people. Hooray.

Dance white boy, dance!

That's all for now. Leave some comments. Oh and check out Fans of Shirtless O'Clock facebook group. Shout out to Ruthie for that one :)

2006-04-10T17:07:00.000-05:00

Alright, all said and done, boredom has attacked like crippling case of cancer - a cancer so bad that it can only be cured by tylenol made from the grass of the amazon basin. So i'm quite fucked. In these last hours, I have a few words to say before my mind slips into eating another bowl of cereal and salad. I want everyone to know that over consumption of vitamins can cause indigestion. Everyone should remember to always start walking with their right foot. Also, if I do recede into the dark side of boredom, I want to be remembered as the guy who invented laughter. If there was such a guy already, I want his existance stricken from the record.

2006-04-03T19:19:00.000-05:00

Today I walked into the lounge when I saw Alex and Veenz in a massive standoff involving a Supersoaker. Naturally, I wanted to help my roommate Alex. I walked up to Veenz and swiftly disarmed him with a powerful blow to the weapon-hand. Alex then took Veenz into a hold while I took aim with the cannon. I let out a pump-action burst but Veenz dodged and the stream miraculously hit Alex square in the nuts! This should never have landed, but this was not an ordinary shot. No, this stream curved around Veenz's midsection and honed in on Alex's crotchial area. I pumped the cannon once more and made everything fair with a single blast to Veenz's thigh. The two of them left to change their pants, but not before Veenz vowed to avenge this action. Then Veenz took a nap and forgot all about it.

2006-03-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

Dan, likely bored from hours of researching Natalie Portman for his latest paper, decided to see what's going on in the other rooms of the Shirtless O'Clock suite at 9:30pm today.
Entering the Veenz and Roman (like the empire) room, he noted that they were fast asleep, teddy bears securely in their arms.
Let's see what he finds in the Alex and Mikeee suite:
Dan: "hey, everyone's asleep."
Mike (at his desk): "Meow"
Dan: "...or a cat."

2006-03-16T14:59:00.000-05:00

Hey.

I got high.

For reals.

------------------------------

That would have been my entire post, but someone would have yelled at me for that. :-(

I must say it was quite the experience, and nothing like I expected it to be. I was expecting just a good feeling, sort of like when I'm buzzed. However this was the closest I'd been to having a psychedlic experience. So I thought I might as well describe it, even though Alex, Dan, Roman, and Mike (?) have been high before. I first realized I was high when my vision and perspective became far more narrow. It felt like I could move my head fast enough, but my view took some time to catch up. Like my entire peripheral vision was still working, but I just didn't care to use it. Also, my concentration was all over the place. Oh, and time went slow. Way too slow.

It felt like my senses were heightened, but only two or so at a time. So I could smell and hear things far better, yet my sense of touch felt almost a numb. Other times I felt like I could feel the claminess and oils on my hands, and my eyes were sensitive to the lights while my hearing and smell lacked all concentration. And whenever I closed my eyes, I felt a pulsating ring-shaped force pushing back on me, and it felt pretty awesome when I did that on the train, because I could feel the train's acceleration, and it felt wicked fast. Really, really fast.

It was definitely an interesting experience, but it wasn't anything that really made me feel good. Some people seem to feel really good when they're high, I just felt more curious...and admittedly a bit giddy. Maybe that's because it was my first time, or it was the general environment. In any case, I may try it once more this week. If it's the same kind of experience then I don't think I'll continue to do it, because if that's the case it really isn't for me. But dang, I really want to draw when I'm high, at least once.

2006-03-10T03:28:00.000-05:00

In case you're wondering what happened

We locked up in fear: "AHHHH!"
We have to think of something, right now, and entertaining?
The pressure was immense. We snapped like a twig in a campfire. SNAP
it was bad. we ran around screaming incessently. Our preceptor came in to tell us to stop. Moe never comes in to tell us to stop anything, but this was a desperate situation.
Ravi sold all of his stocks to stock up for the nuclear winter.
Dan has collected his Natalie Portman collection. It's exquisite and rare, and it's perhaps the most valuable thing he has.
Vinoo has moved to Japan. Sainara, Vinoo.
Alex is frantically writing an article about it for the Targum. Ironic, perhaps.
Roman's eyes are real big. I'm talking huge saucers. He's never been so surprised since that bear came back for a rematch.
That leaves me... me? I'm clutching the rags of Shirtless O'Clock at 3:23am. Insomnia inspires... if I could only get away from the nightmare that is a dying Shirtless O'Clock.

Rage into the dying night, Shirtless O'Clock. Rage on...

2006-03-08T23:58:00.000-05:00

A New Era

For those of you wondering about my new haircut, I feel that I should explain myself. The shorter hair signifies a new era. Everything that happened to me in the last year, good or bad, I blame almost exclusively on my hair. Well, kind of. Anyways, this brings a new era to the Land of Wass, and, oh, it will be good. An era where I have (slightly) less hair (for a little while), and... well, I guess that's about it actually.

2006-03-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

So at the wine and cheese party Roman like the empire was trying to cork a bottle of wine and was having difficulty....So I drunkely asked him
"Hey Roman did u loose a few Brain cells while u were knocked unconscious by white nick"

~Sherlyn

2006-03-02T04:43:00.000-05:00

Here's the Heading!

I don't want to hog up all the blogosphere with all of my posts, but it's late, and I can't sleep, so here goes. I was going to talk about Spider Solitaire, but then I realized that would occupy all of two uninteresting sentences. Then I was going to talk about something serious and emotional, until I remembered that it was me typing this. So, now that my always present pre-post rant is done, here's the good stuff (keep in mind, I'm pretty out of it now, so don't blame me if you don't think it's funny, but if you do, leave a comment. Don't make me beg you).

Fortune Cookies that Never Were:
Everyone knows that fortunes inside the fortune cookies nowadays suck. I think this is because they rejected all of mine, which I have divided into categories for your convenience.

The Obvious Stuff:

You will make a decision today of great/little importance, and will be happy/unhappy with the outcome.

Later today you will have to make a life and death decision where the only solution is to... Lucky numbers: 5, 25, 12, 31, 4

You will be upset when you realize that you should have gotten a better fortune than this one.

The Ominous Stuff

When you look up you will be hit by a pie with either cherry or custard filling

When you cross the street you will nearly be hit by a car, but will survive. Until you are crushed by a falling meteorite.

Your meal has a deadly poison in it. Enjoy!

The Eerily Accurate Stuff

You will be stung today by 57 bees and 21 wasps, and bitten by 2 rabid weasels

You will fall out of a fourth story window tomorrow, and will land on a truckbed full of talcum powder. You will celebrate until you realize it is actually anthrax.

Look Mike, you need to stand up right now. Head towards the window to your left. Ok, now step outside the window, and on to the ledge. Ok, now pick up the briefcase next to you. No, not that one, the other one. Ok, now you have to climb into the hot air balloon, and fly North for five miles, then West for two miles. Ok, now you have to walk 15 blocks uptown until you see a container with the US Postal symbol on it. Open the briefcase, and take out a letter, and put it in the container. Ok, thanks a lot, Mike. I'll see you on Monday. - Dan

The Random Stuff

I am getting head as I am typing this fortune cookiiiiiiiiiiiiiieee!!

Man, I really need a new job.

I'm not wearing any pants right now.

2006-02-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

Postulates of Dan

There have been some good posts recently by my fellow dormimites, so I'll continue by talking about my favorite thing. No, wait, I said I wouldn't talk about Natalie Portman so much, so I'll talk about my least favorite thing to talk about. Me. Not so much me as all of Dan-kind. These are my postulates of Dan, devised by the greatest scientific minds over the course of many years, until we finally created the genius that is before you now. Here they are.

1) Everybody's name is Dan
Ok, hear me out. Based on the transitive property, if A = B, and B = C, then A = C. So, if A = the name Dan, then if you know somebody named Dan, your name is therefore Dan. And trust me, everybody knows someone named Dan.

2) Every Dan is a jerk
Don't believe me? Go fuck yourself!

3) There are some people who will only go out with Dans
We tested this one, and found that it is completely true. Upon closer examination of such people, we discovered a lack of Vitamin D in their bodies, which could explain why they need to go out with a Dan. Or it could be that Dans are just so awesome! Final results are inconclusive.

4) All Dans generalize a lot
No explanation necessary.

2006-02-24T15:23:00.000-05:00

This post captures the last few days of memorable exchanges between Roman and I. Here goes:

2/24/06
Roman: What's up?
Me: My laundry's done. Finally some fresh clothing.
Roman: You should put it all on at the same time to really enjoy the freshness"
Me: ... that's a good idea!
Roman: No, that's a terrible idea. Hey, come back!

2/23/06
Roman: Do you ever get tired of the fact that our jokes make no sense?
Me: Our jokes no making hte sense? Scoundrel!
*Ravi laughing maniacally*
Roman: ...because it's become very apparent recently that our jokes make no sense at all.

2/22/06
Roman: Want to hear something funny?
Me: No, I hate laughing! Ok, go ahead.
Roman: This relationship of mine, iits terms have become very clear to me recently. It makes a lot of sense now.
Me: Ohh that relationship? That's great! Now, why's that funny?
Roman: It's funny because it's all become clear to me at the absolutely worst time.
Mike: Oh yeah... hahaha, I get it, it's funny because your life sucks.
Roman: You jerk! This is like the time Vinoo was telling us how he got his guitar and how he stretched for it cause it would make him happy to get the one he did, and then I said I just can't relate to that and YOU said "Roman, that's why you don't have nice things."
...
Roman: and that was both true and funny, Mike."

Ok maybe he didn't say that last line, but I know how you feel Roman. I know you man, and I love you for taking all the jokes in good humor. Now, let's go wrestle some bears.

2006-02-23T19:12:00.000-05:00

Oh noez, shirtlessoclock is fading away...but before that happens, I really should continue with...

Internet Pictures That Remind Me of My Roomates
Well, this time you'll get to see...

Ravi
Everyone who's reading this probably knows who this is...although I really have no clue who the real Harry Caray is (he probably had something to do with sports or something else really really gay). They also probably know that Harry Caray makes no sense, ever. Just like Ravi.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ravi was the first to ask "If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?" Harry Caray may have used a time machine in order to steal such secrets from our little engineer. Of course, then you'd ponder over the implications of such a feat, and your head would asplode from the time paradox. However, the similarities end there, I doubt Harry Caray had an entire organization plotting his demise, and I doubt Ravi will ever have a restaurant as cool as this one.

Roman
Some people say that there's always an exact double of a person out there in the world. Well those people are morons. However, I must admit that there is some truth to this, although this may be an exception. If I hadn't thought that Ill Mitch would be a proper representation of Roman, I'm sure I would have incurred the wrath of my fellow suitemates. This, like the internets, is serious business.

When Roman isn't singing and listening to those phat hip hop beats, you can hear him talking on the phone to his parents...in Russian. Yea, the same kind of Russian as Ill Mitch. Fast and Danger? Check. Anger Sword? Oh man, you don't want to have to deal with Roman's Anger Sword. Dan lost an eye because of it, and I'm mentally scarred for life.

I say to you, Roman, skate on brother...skate on. (metaphorically of course, Roman doesn't actually skateboard)
----------------------------------------------------

So that leaves...Mike. Goddamnit. Err...wait for part 3?

Oh! And according to this forum thread, Ill Mitch is a deadbeat sonofabitch.

2006-02-19T15:54:00.000-05:00

Monday Morning at Hill Center

The red screen looms up ahead. The lights in the lecture hall are dim, and an eerie red glow emanates from the front of the room, splashing light upon the sparse faces in the seats above. A silver haired Merlin with a tremendous pot-belly, standing at the front of the class, calls out in a booming voice, "Welcome space cadets!" The mix of sleepy and indifferent reactions from the students does nothing to deter Merlin from his lesson plan, as he eloquently orates on the various sizes of craters, the orbiters, and maps that he imposes on the red backdrop. He continues his lesson until the rustling sound of papers and the stirring of young scholars lets him know that his time is almost up. He turns around and beams a tremendous smile as students file out of the room, eagerly awaiting their next journey to Mars: The Next frontier!

2006-02-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

The ants on our table are confused. They are occupying themselves by making sure that every dot painted on our table-top is not in fact a bitty morsel of food, but on a quiet corner, if you listen very closely with the aid of an ear trumpet, you might hear two ants discussing the recent tragedy:

Billy Ant: Why would Dan-deity smite us so? Have we not pleased him, gathering all of the sacred food morsels his mighty lips have touched? Have we not done the best we can, hauling them back to our altar in the secret lair?

Elvis Priestly Ant: Fear not, for Dan is great, and takes care to speak with us through his internet blog, Shirtless-o'clock. I've sent ahead Alan Ant to the IBM field of keys. He will do a sacred shaman dance on the holy button patch, and bring back tidings from our lord, Dan, who has set us on the right path because he loves us so.

Billy Ant: What about the fallen ones?

Elvis Priestly Ant: Only the good Dan knows why he took them from us. Perhaps it is best for our work here on the lord's table, that they not be with us. Perhaps they are to act as a warning to us; after all, Jerry Ant spent his days on the bump of HEINZ Tomato Ketchup, the sauce of his demise. Sure, his life on this table was filled with physical pleasure, but be certain that he is finding his spiritual life in great ruin. No, the HEINZ will not comfort him where he is now...

Billy Ant: ...and Goodly Andrew Ant? What was his crime? Day in and day out, he toiled at the broccoli bit, bringing it back to health... now he lies dead beside it. How fitting that his decaying body will nourish it!

Elvis Priestly Ant: Your doubt is foolish, billy. Have you not felt his grand presence in happier times? It's incomprehensible that Dan would bring us here simply to punish us. No, he concerns himself with our affairs merely because of the wealth of love he has to give... I must get back to my holy work, and you to yours.

Billy Ant: Indeed you are right, Elvis Priestly Ant, sir. I'll now return to scouring the table. If only it were not so hard, and the food morsels not so tightly packed... alas, I will find a loose grain for our glory!

Elvis Priestly Ant: No, it's the glory of Dan. Remember Billy, always remember...

2006-02-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

the more powerful you become and the closer you get to bing an infinite being the more right you have to be a dick.

so what happened is mike told dan to clean up his shit, cause there were ants and mike found it disturbing, so after throwing out his take-out container he killed the ants. what a dick. And then the progression that found the wise statement above began;

dan, just cause your bigger you think you can kill the ants
you know you are really small compared to some other things.
if god was like you than you'd be dead
god is the only one that can be a dick since there is no one above him.
The more powerful you are the more of a right you have to being a dick
its not just being powerful...its also about being infinitly just and merciful

P.S. mike is deathly afraid of this being true... because he knows he is next. And maybe you are too.

P.S.S. it was also decided that roman doesn't know how to make fancy...or as mike and alex like to call it...frills. or as mike wondered...if making a fancy is anything like making a poopy.

2006-02-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

As promised, here are some blurbs from reviews for the movie.

So expertly crafted and well made, that's it's more comparable to a finely crafted totem pole than a movie...

-Bob Smith, Wood Crafters Monthly

Never in my life have I simultaneously laughed, cried, and crapped my pants at the same time. And while doing so caused me to have a heart attack halfway through the movie, I would still recommemend this movie to everyone who doesn't have a weak heart. Two thumbs up.

-Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

I don't often compare movies to the likes of Citizen Cane and Ben Hur, but I think Penis in the Mouth kicks the crap out of both of them. Seriously, watching this movie makes me want to drop to my knees right now and [censored] while my best friend [censored] until my mother comes in and [censored] all over the place, and then we all [censored] until we can't stand up anymore.

-Owen Glieberman, Entertainment Weekly

There was one review that we saw that seemed at first to be negative, until we realize that the article was just poorly edited, and some words were left out. Here is the corrected version of the review, with our corrections in brackets.

First let me start by [not] saying that I have never seen a movie this bad in my entire life. When I laid eyes upon the screen that was showing this movie, my eyes were [not] literally burning out of my eye sockets. Alex Savvides gives such an atrocious[ly good] performance that he should be [given many awards, and then] shot [in more movies]. As for the creators of this movie, Dan Wasserman and Vinoo Selvarajah, I hope they are [never] sodomized by a burning hot poker, and are thrown off a high cliff [where they will land on a pile of soft pillows and be given even more awards].

-Some Crazy Lunatic, The New York Times

2006-02-15T17:40:00.000-05:00

Penis in the Mouth Frenzy

There is a world wide frenzy over Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. Shouts of "We love Penis in the Mouth!" have been heard in England, where the movie opened at #1, in Sweden, where the movie opened at #2, just behind a black and white art flick featuring a 2 hour still shot of an flower growing in a pot, and Greece, where, oddly enough, no one has actually seen the movie. Hmmm... anyways, the frenzy has reached the point where critics expect it to not only sweep the prestigious Boney Awards, but also the Golden Globe Awards, and even the daytime Emmy's. Does the Academy have Penis in the Mouth on the brain too? Only time will tell.

Coming soon, reviews of the movie from many respected critics.

2006-02-14T00:45:00.000-05:00

The residents of Crosby 401 have caught Boney fever as the release date for Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides approaches. Co-director and slightly crazed Jew Daniel Wassermansteinbaumowitz took a break from banking, sipping Manishcevitz, romancing Natalie Portman in his cushy Room A pillow-filled love chamber to say, "We just can't wait for Penis in the Mouth." Portman agreed: "After finding out what wonderful work 'big Wass' was doing and how much it was going to help the Rwandan orphans, I just had to fly out here and pleasure both the directors while doing all their hard physics homework for them."

But will Wasserman and Selvarajah be able to keep their eyes on the prize, or will fame and attention from all 6 fine Busch campus ladies (and their hats) distract them?

Only time will tell!

2006-02-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

Because The Wasspinator couldn't critique himself well eneough - here is my take on it... no promises. Well one - I promise you the gift of a child's laugh ... ahaha ... there - back to ... whatever I started this sentence with ... or it is sentance ... no, its sentence. I'm almost disturbingly unsure of it.

Daniel Wasserman (Daniel Waterman/Wasspinator from Beast Wars)
Dan Wasserman is the mayonnaise of this Dorm's Cheese Steak Sandwich. Riding with his pimped out carduroy jacket, this four eyed nerd will wow you with his bottomless knowledge of table salts and natalie portman's hottness. Often found in the far south end of the suite, this creature dwells within his side of the room and can be either caught frantically finishing assignments, strumming his aboriginal 6-stringed amplified instrument of THOR, wasting away in internet ville, or giving creepy facial expressions often followed by extreme bursts of laughter. A hobo by day and a cheetah by night, never underestimate what this man will do. He's a beast, a child, a god mother, and even ... a cow. MOO!

2006-02-14T00:13:00.000-05:00

We here at shirtless o'clock have recieved some startling rumors about Penis in Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. It has been reported that the photos of it's star have been doctored or in some way altered and do not fully represent the actor. There have been numerous photos sent in by people who claim to have seen the real Alex Savvides lurking about Busch Campus. Here are a few of them.

Sent in by Miso Azn from Busch

Sent in by Debbie Lickencock of Douglass

Sent in by Anonymous of Crosby 401, Room B, right side of room

Is there any truth to these rumors? Could any one of these terrifying images be the real Alex Savvides? Will the real Alex Savvides please stand up... ok, I know, I'll just go stand in the corner now.

Tell us what you think.

2006-02-13T21:19:00.000-05:00

Today we threw a surprise birthday party for dear Alex Diabetes. Coincidentally, this is the opening night of his sure-to-sweep-the-Boney-Awards movie, Penis In The Mouth. It's been a wild night around here, and I must get back to the festivities, but first I'll tell you a little story...
Roman punches himself in the mirror. Months ago, he whupped it so bad that it barely held up, attached by nothing but its defeated snot. It didn't fall down. The maintenance people came in to tack it up again, and inquired if we happened to be "banging chicks against the mirror." Well, no, I don't think so, anyway... but we're flattered anyway, Mr. Maintenance, that you think we attract the proverbial unicorns you call "chicks" here on Busch campus. However, I think that you should check out this new movie coming out... I think it's been nominated for a Boney Award, and I think you'ld appreciate its sexy stylings.
Anyway, last night Roman was training for the inevitable fight against his evil clone, Mr. British, also like the empire. He punched that mirror like no tomorrow, and then laughed a little about the maintenance man's flattering impression... Then I said to Roman, "you know, he wasn't so far off about the banging away... your fist has mad love to give, if only it you would open it." He promptly agreed. THE END.

2006-02-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

Now I know you're all looking at the picture and saying... ha ha, nice work photoshopping, Dan.

Well the truth is it's not photoshopped, and I'm dating all your moms.

Secretely, I've been pursuing a bodybuilding career for the past few years, and I haven't told any of you because... errr... umm... you'd all be jealous... of... my... err... umm... mini-Greek flag.

Yup, can't be dragging the mother country into all this. Why oh, why do you all have something against the Greeks.

So whenever I say something like, I'm going to Targum, I'm going for food, or I'm going to date one of your moms, I've actually been "pumping" the "irons" on the "benches" at the "sweatshop" to get "jacked."

2006-02-12T17:25:00.000-05:00

SNEAK PEAK!

Breaking News: We here at shirtlessoclock, have gotten a sneak peak on the production of Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. To your right we have the first exclusive picture of the actor playing the young protagonist, Alex Savvides.

We'd like to hear the viewer's comments on this upcoming film.

2006-02-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

Coming Soon to to a theatre near you...

He was just a small town boy, living in a lonely world. He took the one way train going anywhere. His name... is Alex Savvides. See his amazing, heartfelt, and sometimes hilarious journey in

Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Saviddes (A Wasserman-Selvarajah production),

The tale of a boy with a huge package who has a dream. The dream that he would someday make it to the big time. But along the way he encounters some gaping pitfalls, which nearly bring him to his knees. Can he finally get off his knees, and behind a few of his good friends? You will laugh, cry, and maybe even wet your pants as you witness his inspiring rise to the top.

Want to see more Penis in the Mouth? We have the latest pictures from the set.

2006-02-12T17:07:00.000-05:00

I want to buy $370 GOOG straddles exp. May, but I have no money... I was also thinking that a bear spread may be cool since it is unlikely GOOG will slide down as fast as an oily frozen cube of butter on an especially slippery day. Also, who really cares about travelling salesman when all the salesmen have been replaced by telemarketers? Math is so antiquated!

2006-02-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

thats it, i didn't want to say this before, but it can't be helped anymore. vinoo, or the veenz...is the most evil person you'll ever meet. seriously, don't trust him. if you have ever seen memento and remember the picture of the cop with the label being, "don't believe his lies"...well that is a perfect description of vinoo. Don't buy into his good nature and cool slick attitude... hes really a bastard. thats all i got to say bout that.

2006-02-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

letter from erica while hanging out during sign in job

Roman, don't be sad. Jesus loves you, even though you're a jew. Fucking jew. Got eat some matza and... uh... be happy

2006-02-10T17:40:00.000-05:00

All right, Vinoo. You need to suck it, because I've found a dining hall concoction far more delicious than your crazy wraps with honey and fruit or whatever it is you eat there in your little corner with your long hair and your microwaving of dishes that aren't ordinarily microwaved you slinky little jerk.....

[Mike jabs hypodermic needle of roommate tranquilizer into Alex's neck artery]

All right, back on track. Anyway: Bacon strips, sliced turkey, Brower Rolls, Provelone, 2 leafs lettuce, 4 slices tomato, and a glass of Pepsi on the side.

Live it, learn it, love it.

2006-02-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

Chronicles of Dorm(ia) Part III

Now, last, and most certainly least, the final dorm member:

Dan, aka "The Wasser Man"

Not much is known about this shady character. He can sometimes be found stalking about in dark alleyways, looking for quarters that have been dropped by others, but he will only pick up silver coins, he does have standards. He has most recently been seen wearing a dead animal on his head, but can alter his appearance at random. One day he was allegedly mistaken for the unibomber, while the next day he was mistaken for a clean shaven Brad Pitt. (No? ok, what about that that guy from Wedding Crashers. You know, the one that doesn't have that thing wrong with his nose.) Years of listening to loud music have virtually rendered him deaf, so if you approach him, do not sneak up behind him or you will startle him, and he will become violent. He is currently attending Rutgers as part of their prestigious "Undecided" course of studies, and when asked when he would finally get his shit together, he has been quoted saying, "I'll do it later, let me get just 15 more minutes of sleep."

2006-02-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

Coming soon, after the third part of the Chronicles of Dorm(ia), Wasserman-Selvarajah Productions bring you Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides, coming soon to a theatre near you!!

2006-02-09T00:48:00.000-05:00

All right, now comes my greatest responsibility as the universally loved and feared Ceasar-esque leader of our suite: brooding in my *newly rearranged* room, listening to the Arcade Fire, planning my first weekend of belligerently excessive drinking since my birthday and glancing over at the Medium personals.

Err... and updating our new blog.

Yeah, Blog!

All right, so we should start making guest accounts for the people who don't live in our suite but hang out here about as much as we do. Now, clearly, waayyy too many motherfuckas are going to want to get in on this blog, as we're so universally popular. Like, I was on the A bus today, and none less than 87 distinct individuals asked to be allowed the honor, nay, the distinct honor of posting on our blog.

Even the bus driver, which constituted a major safety hazard, and resulted in the bus combusting into flames a la the Out of Service group picture.

Now this would be a nightmare for the owner of record and founding father of this blog, the brown guy with the Boondocks Saints theme and the dude-dress...

So I propose that we limit admission into this most vaunted of Rutgers institutions to those that we love the most... like your mom, and anybody famous, like the members of Whitesnake, Poison, and Quiet Riot, with the understanding they play at our next 80's Dance Party, if we have another one.

2006-02-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

I thought I would draw on all the humor we'd generated in the past semester, and thoughtfully wrote on our "Wall of Dan!", or, no, that's someone else's wall, our wall is the "Wall of Funnyrabbits." That's us... funnyrabbits, 'cause we're funny, and we do other things that start with F, just like rabbits... like, we are Furry, Friggen Cool, Flatulent (Dan agrees with all his heart, and some of his butt, too), and sometimes we act like real fagg0rs. What is a fagg0r? According to urbandictionary.com, that means we are exponentially more gay than a regular homosexual.I've made this useless graph to educate you. As you can probably figure out, that wavy red line represents a normal gay person. It's wavy because only heterosexual people may be graphed linearly. The exponential line is, us, being fagg0rs. I've taken care to make it a girly fuscia color, not that I know what fuscia really looks like (it was a lucky guess, I promise)... ... ... Not gay.

So, I was going to post what is on our wall, but if you're reading this you've probably seen it already. Besides, I can't even see the wall right now. Looking to my left: Veenz watching TV, a fan, a bottle of disinfectant we use to clean up the air after you visit us. To my right: Chaos, and a box of Thai Noodle soup, which I reckon you might have a chance to eat if you visit us any time before the end of the semester. In front, the boob tube, sans boobage. So there, the wall is clearly missing, or it's behind me, above me, or underneath me -- I'll leave you in suspense.

Finally, this post is way too long, but has been a great break from DiffyQ. I wrote "DIfferential Equations" that way so that you could get that ticklish feeling, you know, when you want to laugh, but you might offend me? Jerk...
Just kidding. I love you. No, really, you're lovely. Your perfume smells of roses and sweet petunias. Your sight is like a sweet caress upon my eyes. I look at you, sigh with great satisfaction, and die, but my business here is incomplete, so I come back to watch you. Hey, is that Casper over there? Beetlejuice? Freakin' cool. Peace out.

2006-02-08T21:57:00.000-05:00

its my turn to post stuff...this is normaly the section you'll all want to skip cause it will probably be boring, cause i'll be trying way to hard to be funny. but i have to contribute. represent ... russia, and ill mitch, and anything else russian and retarded. alright, back to not doing work.

2006-02-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

HEY LISTEN!

Dan has had his fun with that wonderful post, which also happens to be %100 accurate. No joke. When he began work on Chronicles of Dorm(ia), I thought that it would have been neat if there were pictures of the respective members to go along with their descriptions. That idea has now evolved into this post. As an internet connoisseur, I have found, through months of research, cross-referencing, and interviews, pictures on the internets that in some manner resemble my roomates.

Now the five of you reading this may be asking why we didn't just combine the features, so that the descriptions would go along with pictures. Well, homie don't play that way. Note to self: you make a terrible black person, even on the internet.

Also, we're not coordinated in the least. Seriously, we have a hard enough time putting our pants on by ourselves, I doubt we'd be able to collaborate properly. And therefore, without further ramblings, I present to you my feature.

Internet Pictures That Remind Me of My Roomates (I couldn't think of a good title, fuck you)

Alex
Now you may be asking, how'd you get a picture of Alex 40 years from now? Do you have a time machine? Well the answer is no, and you're an idiot. However, I can understand the confusion. I believe this is a picture of good ol' Boris Yelstin, but that really doesn't matter so much.

What really matters is that this is a picture of some old white guy doing the chicken dance: an iconic representation of Alex. Those of you who know Alex, are quite aware of his vocal stylings and ridiculously awesome dance moves that he brings to our dorm. This also happens to be the picture I found most hilarious during my research, and no one can quite make me laugh like Alex can. [not gay]

Dan
Oh Dan, who is this guy? Well, whatever. He has a mullet, and I'm fairly certain those are universally hilarious. Although in truth, this picture was not my first choice. This guy was.

Dan's flowing locks of hair rival my own. His charming smile, and slightly crazed look, have indeed brightened our dorm. Dan sure loves his music, and I'm positive this fellow mulleteer to our left likes to rock out as well. While we sometimes may be at odds, Dan and I have become good friends: some would say that he is indeed my dorm rival (ok, no one says that, but I wanted to waste some space). I will end this with a thanks to Dan, for letting me mooch off his guitar last semester, and for teaching me some cool shit.

And thusly ends the first portion of my feature: partly because I really don't want to write anymore, partly because I haven't found a picture for Mike, and partly because I should probably do some homework.

2006-02-08T20:27:00.000-05:00

Part two of my chronicles of dorm(ia) post.

Here are the rest of the dorm players.

Mike, aka "The Ring-Leader"

Mike has earned his nickname through pure hard work and dedication. And because he's the only person in the dorm who is not a lazy, degenerate, son of a bitch. Mike is always hard at work on the internet or playing guitar, but ocassionally he takes a few breaks from doing nothing to study. Mike's a Jew, and damn proud of it, and he'll fight you to the death if you make any jokes about pennies or bagels, becasue he don't take shit from anyone. And ladies, guess what, this sexy beast is single.

Vinoo, aka "Veens, I can't come up with a damn nickname for you"

Vinoo is the slinky, self described "brown thunder," who can often be found in the trees around crosby. When he's not climbing trees and eating dried mango's with his primate friends, he can almost always be found sleeping in his bed, reading comics in his bed, or playing video games in his bed. Sometimes he can even be found studying... in his bed. How can one human be so lazy and yet be able to climb trees and wrestle, you ask? Well, who ever said he was human? Vinoo can also be found praying at his Chuck Norris shrine and squeaking at cute kittens, or anything shiny that might catch his attention.

I love blog!

2006-02-08T01:42:00.000-05:00

This blog will be epic. I'll start by transcribing our wall of quotes... tomorrow.

2006-02-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, nice first attempts at posts, guys, but I think I'll throw my digital hat into the digital arena and give it a go. Since this is the first post, I think I'll have to sum up our dorm, to let others, and even each other, know what our dorm's all about. By the time I'm done you'll know more about about us than we know about your mom, and trust me, that's a real freakin' lot.

Here are the players (in no particular order)

Ravi, aka "Numbers"

This dorm member is no stranger to any kind of Math or business theory that you can't possibly comprehend. He eats books for breakfast. And he eats salad for lunch, and sometimes even cereal (oooh, badasss). As we speak he is devising strategies to conquer the world, or, more likely, just playing Grand Theft Auto (most likely to practice his skull bashing techniques). He even has a facebook group devoted to him, "Down with Ravi". Ok, not so much devoted to him, but he still has more than you. Don't cross this brown man, or he will make a comment so deadly that it will sap the noise from the air, and create an extremely awkward silence.

Roman, aka "The Russian Bear"

Don't let this dorm member fool you with his constant gay innuendos, he's 100% man. When he's not breaking the ladies' hearts, he can be found in semi-homo-erotic wresting matches with his life partner... I mean, friend, white nick. Roman is so manly that he doesn't even bother to clean after himself because, as he puts it, "that's women's work, and I certainly aint no woman."

Alex, aka "Huh?"

Alex is the articulate dorm member. A journalism major, whose work has been featured in the Daily Targum, and even a few good publications, he knows what's what, even if it ins't always apparent to the people around him. With a voice like an angel, Alex is one sophistocated mother fucker you don't want to cross, or he'll report you to the Targum, where up to 8 people will read about what you did. Alex's witty comments are often published on brown napkins and displayed prominently in blue pen for all to see.

It's getting late, I'll fill you in about the rest of the crew later. TO BE CONTINUED...

2006-02-08T01:02:00.000-05:00

We were going to use this as a facebook group... before the other suite gayed facebook up with their gayness.

And so we have to find refuge in some creepy Canadian blogger.com site.

I'm not sure what's Canadian about it....

Now send me some money.

we're making it internet

2006-02-08T00:19:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sure the six people reading this (all members of our suite of course), are wondering...hey, why the hell do we have a blog?

Well the answer is quite simple, we've gotten far too awesome for just our dorm. I believe the great poet-philosopher Roman Stekolshchik (circa 2006) put it most appropriately: "we're making it internet."

That's right, gentlemen. We've surpassed the challenges of the physical world and now we're ready to conquer the internets, with our humor, wit, intellect, and general awesomeness.

Our purpose: To archive our awesomeness. To relate our stories so that they may become legends for the masses. Live through us, you know you want to.
The players: Crosby 3401 and the internet, our silent partner.
Our methods: Superior brain power, massive faggotry, and all-around good times.