News With Comments!! Powered by Yahoo! News

Having hours and hours of free time on the internet during work has made me realize something. There is nothing funnier than real life. No, actually, if there is, its real life as filtered through the Yahoo News feeds, and distilled into one line summaries. So without further ado, I bring you... (the newly dubbed)

Yesterday's Headlines... Today!

Judge sues cleaner for $65M over pants

The top story today, a douchebag with too much power (a judge) and a hatred for all those he considers lesser than him (everybody) is suing a poor Asian family for losing a pair of pants of his for a week. His rationale? He wants them to pay $1500 a day for him to rent a car so he can go to another dry cleaner for the next ten years. In related news, I am suing the same judge for $25 million for all of the aspirin I will have to take over the next 25 years every time I think about this.

IBM bores tiny holes in computer chips

Ok, so I though this was really cool, that they now create holes in microchips 20 nanometers wide to make the chips run faster and with less energy. 20 nanometers is unfathomably tiny! But when I told my roommate about this, his reaction was "So? I deal with nanotechnology all the time." Which bring me to my next headline: Engineers are pretentious know-it-alls

Masks may not help against super-flu

Nothing can protect you from... the SUPER-FLU! Seriously, though, we're all doomed.

3,500 lbs. of bat guano found in attic

This was actually in the "Top Stories" section

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Now for a special segment of my News segment (segment within a segment), called:

It's about time!

Prosecutors want Paris Hilton in jail

It's about time!

Couple burned alive for "black magic"

It's about time!

Naked man superglued to exercise bike

...Ouch, that sucks


Seacrest Out!

-SOC

Hey! You know, that's filled with sodium!

So, I should be doing actual school work, but I've only been looking at cooking blogs. Mmmm, food

It's got me thinking...my college diet has been pretty poor lately, what with unhealthy obese men at ShopRite telling me that there's too much sodium in my food. But you know what, that creepy old fat man (New Jersey's State Animal) was right.

Most of the food that I've bought as groceries is so highly processed that its devoid of nutrients and filled with who-knows-what (+ sodium). It's gotten to the point that when I go to the Dining Hall I unconsciously go straight for the salad bar. I think that's my body telling me to eat healthier, which is kind of sad because I'm at the BROWER DINING HALL.

So I've had this realization that I should eat better, wherever I am, unless it proves to be an impossibility. That had me thinking about what I could do about this: which got me back to the cooking blogs, with their oh-so delicious recipes.

Now I'm anxious to get back home, and cook myself a meal (and hope to God it turns out edible). I'm considering foods that will be suitable for dorm life next year: so far, I've got: pastas and rices, soy products, pickled vegetables (need to learn how to do this properly over the summer)...I'm gonna try to cut out instant ramen from my diet, or at the very least reduce consumption.

But yea, cooking. Can't wait. Another reason to waste my monies. :(

New Shirtless Segment!!!

In my endless quest to both entertain and enlighten our shirtless reader, I'm introducing my new topical, informative segment:

News with Comments. (Brought to you by the fine folks at the New York Times)

Oregon Governor Lives on Food Stamps Worth $21 for One Whole Week

Clearly someone has never heard of Ramen noodles. I'll bet you I can live on... (lets see, one packet = 15 cents * 3 meals a day * 7 days in a week) $3.15 a week. Come on, any takers?

34 Duke Business Students Face Discipline for Cheating

So apparently business students cheat more than any other major (a statistic brought to you by Rutgers University). But the real story here is that a teacher gave a take home final exam! That's like giving a college student a sandwich and telling him not to eat it (seriously, we're hungry here). Also, Duke must be teaching a course in getting headlines in the New York Times, because they have succeeded valiantly this year. Followed closely by us, of course.

Solving the Mystery of Duck Genitalia

All I have to say is... it's about damn time!