The Few, The Proud, The Old



Recently, in a heated conversation, a friend offered me the chewing gum she was chewing. I figured that the passing of the chewing gum would yield sexy results. I was wrong - dead wrong. The gum was removed from the orifice it was in use and brought into daylight whereupon I realized that gum, sans flavor, looks a lot like a shriveled up old person.

Whilst chewing, I was visualizing chewing an old person - one that had no shot of stealing more money from Social Security and wouldn't bitch/whine as much as I would if someone were to chew me. The satisfaction of the latter statement, especially from the fact that this old person would not be feeding off Social Security, brought flavors to my mouth scarcely dreamt of by most of our population.

A little more thinking led me to my epiphany of the day - to solve the Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security problem that is threatening this gloriously forgiving nation to the brink of knocking on the door of the Maffia for more money to fight our very justly waged wars, we need to turn old people into gum. A petition for this will be circulating shortly; as engineering representatives, Mike, Jericho and I will lead a panel of Nobel Laureates to come up with a way to turn old people into gum with the objective of maximizing juiciness and minimizing price of gum.

Obviously, most of the laureates are already old so we would use them for testing this machine rather than unnecessarily pulling old people from their positions as much needed homicidal maniacs in cars that help balance the overwhelming reproduction rate of this fair nation. It is my belief that this route will save money and avoid unnecessary search-and-destroy missions for old people when the product may not be working.

As a side note, it is important to mention that gum prices have escalated to outrageous heights in the past millennium from 2 gold coins in the dark ages to just over $1 for a pack of gum. By entering this market with fresh old-people flavors, we may be able to undercut all producers of gum because of the vast supply of old people. Naturally, the patenting of our old-people-to-gum machine would prevent all possible competitors from surfacing - lest the competitors patent a machine that converts babies to gum ... in which case we may have to think of alternative competitive plans.

Cheerio,

Ravi