Postulates of Dan

There have been some good posts recently by my fellow dormimites, so I'll continue by talking about my favorite thing. No, wait, I said I wouldn't talk about Natalie Portman so much, so I'll talk about my least favorite thing to talk about. Me. Not so much me as all of Dan-kind. These are my postulates of Dan, devised by the greatest scientific minds over the course of many years, until we finally created the genius that is before you now. Here they are.

1) Everybody's name is Dan
Ok, hear me out. Based on the transitive property, if A = B, and B = C, then A = C. So, if A = the name Dan, then if you know somebody named Dan, your name is therefore Dan. And trust me, everybody knows someone named Dan.

2) Every Dan is a jerk
Don't believe me? Go fuck yourself!

3) There are some people who will only go out with Dans
We tested this one, and found that it is completely true. Upon closer examination of such people, we discovered a lack of Vitamin D in their bodies, which could explain why they need to go out with a Dan. Or it could be that Dans are just so awesome! Final results are inconclusive.

4) All Dans generalize a lot
No explanation necessary.