Postulates of Dan

There have been some good posts recently by my fellow dormimites, so I'll continue by talking about my favorite thing. No, wait, I said I wouldn't talk about Natalie Portman so much, so I'll talk about my least favorite thing to talk about. Me. Not so much me as all of Dan-kind. These are my postulates of Dan, devised by the greatest scientific minds over the course of many years, until we finally created the genius that is before you now. Here they are.

1) Everybody's name is Dan
Ok, hear me out. Based on the transitive property, if A = B, and B = C, then A = C. So, if A = the name Dan, then if you know somebody named Dan, your name is therefore Dan. And trust me, everybody knows someone named Dan.

2) Every Dan is a jerk
Don't believe me? Go fuck yourself!

3) There are some people who will only go out with Dans
We tested this one, and found that it is completely true. Upon closer examination of such people, we discovered a lack of Vitamin D in their bodies, which could explain why they need to go out with a Dan. Or it could be that Dans are just so awesome! Final results are inconclusive.

4) All Dans generalize a lot
No explanation necessary.

This post captures the last few days of memorable exchanges between Roman and I. Here goes:

2/24/06
Roman: What's up?
Me: My laundry's done. Finally some fresh clothing.
Roman: You should put it all on at the same time to really enjoy the freshness"
Me: ... that's a good idea!
Roman: No, that's a terrible idea. Hey, come back!

2/23/06
Roman: Do you ever get tired of the fact that our jokes make no sense?
Me: Our jokes no making hte sense? Scoundrel!
*Ravi laughing maniacally*
Roman: ...because it's become very apparent recently that our jokes make no sense at all.

2/22/06
Roman: Want to hear something funny?
Me: No, I hate laughing! Ok, go ahead.
Roman: This relationship of mine, iits terms have become very clear to me recently. It makes a lot of sense now.
Me: Ohh that relationship? That's great! Now, why's that funny?
Roman: It's funny because it's all become clear to me at the absolutely worst time.
Mike: Oh yeah... hahaha, I get it, it's funny because your life sucks.
Roman: You jerk! This is like the time Vinoo was telling us how he got his guitar and how he stretched for it cause it would make him happy to get the one he did, and then I said I just can't relate to that and YOU said "Roman, that's why you don't have nice things."
...
Roman: and that was both true and funny, Mike."

Ok maybe he didn't say that last line, but I know how you feel Roman. I know you man, and I love you for taking all the jokes in good humor. Now, let's go wrestle some bears.

Oh noez, shirtlessoclock is fading away...but before that happens, I really should continue with...

Internet Pictures That Remind Me of My Roomates
Well, this time you'll get to see...

Ravi
Everyone who's reading this probably knows who this is...although I really have no clue who the real Harry Caray is (he probably had something to do with sports or something else really really gay). They also probably know that Harry Caray makes no sense, ever. Just like Ravi.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ravi was the first to ask "If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?" Harry Caray may have used a time machine in order to steal such secrets from our little engineer. Of course, then you'd ponder over the implications of such a feat, and your head would asplode from the time paradox. However, the similarities end there, I doubt Harry Caray had an entire organization plotting his demise, and I doubt Ravi will ever have a restaurant as cool as this one.

Roman
Some people say that there's always an exact double of a person out there in the world. Well those people are morons. However, I must admit that there is some truth to this, although this may be an exception. If I hadn't thought that Ill Mitch would be a proper representation of Roman, I'm sure I would have incurred the wrath of my fellow suitemates. This, like the internets, is serious business.

When Roman isn't singing and listening to those phat hip hop beats, you can hear him talking on the phone to his parents...in Russian. Yea, the same kind of Russian as Ill Mitch. Fast and Danger? Check. Anger Sword? Oh man, you don't want to have to deal with Roman's Anger Sword. Dan lost an eye because of it, and I'm mentally scarred for life.

I say to you, Roman, skate on brother...skate on. (metaphorically of course, Roman doesn't actually skateboard)
----------------------------------------------------

So that leaves...Mike. Goddamnit. Err...wait for part 3?

Oh! And according to this forum thread, Ill Mitch is a deadbeat sonofabitch.

Monday Morning at Hill Center

The red screen looms up ahead. The lights in the lecture hall are dim, and an eerie red glow emanates from the front of the room, splashing light upon the sparse faces in the seats above. A silver haired Merlin with a tremendous pot-belly, standing at the front of the class, calls out in a booming voice, "Welcome space cadets!" The mix of sleepy and indifferent reactions from the students does nothing to deter Merlin from his lesson plan, as he eloquently orates on the various sizes of craters, the orbiters, and maps that he imposes on the red backdrop. He continues his lesson until the rustling sound of papers and the stirring of young scholars lets him know that his time is almost up. He turns around and beams a tremendous smile as students file out of the room, eagerly awaiting their next journey to Mars: The Next frontier!

The ants on our table are confused. They are occupying themselves by making sure that every dot painted on our table-top is not in fact a bitty morsel of food, but on a quiet corner, if you listen very closely with the aid of an ear trumpet, you might hear two ants discussing the recent tragedy:

Billy Ant: Why would Dan-deity smite us so? Have we not pleased him, gathering all of the sacred food morsels his mighty lips have touched? Have we not done the best we can, hauling them back to our altar in the secret lair?

Elvis Priestly Ant: Fear not, for Dan is great, and takes care to speak with us through his internet blog, Shirtless-o'clock. I've sent ahead Alan Ant to the IBM field of keys. He will do a sacred shaman dance on the holy button patch, and bring back tidings from our lord, Dan, who has set us on the right path because he loves us so.

Billy Ant: What about the fallen ones?

Elvis Priestly Ant: Only the good Dan knows why he took them from us. Perhaps it is best for our work here on the lord's table, that they not be with us. Perhaps they are to act as a warning to us; after all, Jerry Ant spent his days on the bump of HEINZ Tomato Ketchup, the sauce of his demise. Sure, his life on this table was filled with physical pleasure, but be certain that he is finding his spiritual life in great ruin. No, the HEINZ will not comfort him where he is now...

Billy Ant: ...and Goodly Andrew Ant? What was his crime? Day in and day out, he toiled at the broccoli bit, bringing it back to health... now he lies dead beside it. How fitting that his decaying body will nourish it!

Elvis Priestly Ant: Your doubt is foolish, billy. Have you not felt his grand presence in happier times? It's incomprehensible that Dan would bring us here simply to punish us. No, he concerns himself with our affairs merely because of the wealth of love he has to give... I must get back to my holy work, and you to yours.

Billy Ant: Indeed you are right, Elvis Priestly Ant, sir. I'll now return to scouring the table. If only it were not so hard, and the food morsels not so tightly packed... alas, I will find a loose grain for our glory!

Elvis Priestly Ant: No, it's the glory of Dan. Remember Billy, always remember...

As promised, here are some blurbs from reviews for the movie.

So expertly crafted and well made, that's it's more comparable to a finely crafted totem pole than a movie...

-Bob Smith, Wood Crafters Monthly

Never in my life have I simultaneously laughed, cried, and crapped my pants at the same time. And while doing so caused me to have a heart attack halfway through the movie, I would still recommemend this movie to everyone who doesn't have a weak heart. Two thumbs up.

-Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

I don't often compare movies to the likes of Citizen Cane and Ben Hur, but I think Penis in the Mouth kicks the crap out of both of them. Seriously, watching this movie makes me want to drop to my knees right now and [censored] while my best friend [censored] until my mother comes in and [censored] all over the place, and then we all [censored] until we can't stand up anymore.

-Owen Glieberman, Entertainment Weekly

There was one review that we saw that seemed at first to be negative, until we realize that the article was just poorly edited, and some words were left out. Here is the corrected version of the review, with our corrections in brackets.

First let me start by [not] saying that I have never seen a movie this bad in my entire life. When I laid eyes upon the screen that was showing this movie, my eyes were [not] literally burning out of my eye sockets. Alex Savvides gives such an atrocious[ly good] performance that he should be [given many awards, and then] shot [in more movies]. As for the creators of this movie, Dan Wasserman and Vinoo Selvarajah, I hope they are [never] sodomized by a burning hot poker, and are thrown off a high cliff [where they will land on a pile of soft pillows and be given even more awards].

-Some Crazy Lunatic, The New York Times

Penis in the Mouth Frenzy

There is a world wide frenzy over Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. Shouts of "We love Penis in the Mouth!" have been heard in England, where the movie opened at #1, in Sweden, where the movie opened at #2, just behind a black and white art flick featuring a 2 hour still shot of an flower growing in a pot, and Greece, where, oddly enough, no one has actually seen the movie. Hmmm... anyways, the frenzy has reached the point where critics expect it to not only sweep the prestigious Boney Awards, but also the Golden Globe Awards, and even the daytime Emmy's. Does the Academy have Penis in the Mouth on the brain too? Only time will tell.

Coming soon, reviews of the movie from many respected critics.

The residents of Crosby 401 have caught Boney fever as the release date for Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides approaches. Co-director and slightly crazed Jew Daniel Wassermansteinbaumowitz took a break from banking, sipping Manishcevitz, romancing Natalie Portman in his cushy Room A pillow-filled love chamber to say, "We just can't wait for Penis in the Mouth." Portman agreed: "After finding out what wonderful work 'big Wass' was doing and how much it was going to help the Rwandan orphans, I just had to fly out here and pleasure both the directors while doing all their hard physics homework for them."

But will Wasserman and Selvarajah be able to keep their eyes on the prize, or will fame and attention from all 6 fine Busch campus ladies (and their hats) distract them?

Only time will tell!

We here at shirtless o'clock have recieved some startling rumors about Penis in Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. It has been reported that the photos of it's star have been doctored or in some way altered and do not fully represent the actor. There have been numerous photos sent in by people who claim to have seen the real Alex Savvides lurking about Busch Campus. Here are a few of them.

Sent in by Miso Azn from Busch


Sent in by Debbie Lickencock of Douglass

Sent in by Anonymous of Crosby 401, Room B, right side of room

Is there any truth to these rumors? Could any one of these terrifying images be the real Alex Savvides? Will the real Alex Savvides please stand up... ok, I know, I'll just go stand in the corner now.

Tell us what you think.

Today we threw a surprise birthday party for dear Alex Diabetes. Coincidentally, this is the opening night of his sure-to-sweep-the-Boney-Awards movie, Penis In The Mouth. It's been a wild night around here, and I must get back to the festivities, but first I'll tell you a little story...
Roman punches himself in the mirror. Months ago, he whupped it so bad that it barely held up, attached by nothing but its defeated snot. It didn't fall down. The maintenance people came in to tack it up again, and inquired if we happened to be "banging chicks against the mirror." Well, no, I don't think so, anyway... but we're flattered anyway, Mr. Maintenance, that you think we attract the proverbial unicorns you call "chicks" here on Busch campus. However, I think that you should check out this new movie coming out... I think it's been nominated for a Boney Award, and I think you'ld appreciate its sexy stylings.
Anyway, last night Roman was training for the inevitable fight against his evil clone, Mr. British, also like the empire. He punched that mirror like no tomorrow, and then laughed a little about the maintenance man's flattering impression... Then I said to Roman, "you know, he wasn't so far off about the banging away... your fist has mad love to give, if only it you would open it." He promptly agreed. THE END.

Now I know you're all looking at the picture and saying... ha ha, nice work photoshopping, Dan.

Well the truth is it's not photoshopped, and I'm dating all your moms.

Secretely, I've been pursuing a bodybuilding career for the past few years, and I haven't told any of you because... errr... umm... you'd all be jealous... of... my... err... umm... mini-Greek flag.

Yup, can't be dragging the mother country into all this. Why oh, why do you all have something against the Greeks.

So whenever I say something like, I'm going to Targum, I'm going for food, or I'm going to date one of your moms, I've actually been "pumping" the "irons" on the "benches" at the "sweatshop" to get "jacked."

SNEAK PEAK!

Breaking News: We here at shirtlessoclock, have gotten a sneak peak on the production of Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides. To your right we have the first exclusive picture of the actor playing the young protagonist, Alex Savvides.




We'd like to hear the viewer's comments on this upcoming film.

Coming Soon to to a theatre near you...

He was just a small town boy, living in a lonely world. He took the one way train going anywhere. His name... is Alex Savvides. See his amazing, heartfelt, and sometimes hilarious journey in

Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Saviddes (A Wasserman-Selvarajah production),

The tale of a boy with a huge package who has a dream. The dream that he would someday make it to the big time. But along the way he encounters some gaping pitfalls, which nearly bring him to his knees. Can he finally get off his knees, and behind a few of his good friends? You will laugh, cry, and maybe even wet your pants as you witness his inspiring rise to the top.

Want to see more Penis in the Mouth? We have the latest pictures from the set.

All right, Vinoo. You need to suck it, because I've found a dining hall concoction far more delicious than your crazy wraps with honey and fruit or whatever it is you eat there in your little corner with your long hair and your microwaving of dishes that aren't ordinarily microwaved you slinky little jerk.....

[Mike jabs hypodermic needle of roommate tranquilizer into Alex's neck artery]

All right, back on track. Anyway: Bacon strips, sliced turkey, Brower Rolls, Provelone, 2 leafs lettuce, 4 slices tomato, and a glass of Pepsi on the side.

Live it, learn it, love it.

Chronicles of Dorm(ia) Part III

Now, last, and most certainly least, the final dorm member:

Dan, aka "The Wasser Man"

Not much is known about this shady character. He can sometimes be found stalking about in dark alleyways, looking for quarters that have been dropped by others, but he will only pick up silver coins, he does have standards. He has most recently been seen wearing a dead animal on his head, but can alter his appearance at random. One day he was allegedly mistaken for the unibomber, while the next day he was mistaken for a clean shaven Brad Pitt. (No? ok, what about that that guy from Wedding Crashers. You know, the one that doesn't have that thing wrong with his nose.) Years of listening to loud music have virtually rendered him deaf, so if you approach him, do not sneak up behind him or you will startle him, and he will become violent. He is currently attending Rutgers as part of their prestigious "Undecided" course of studies, and when asked when he would finally get his shit together, he has been quoted saying, "I'll do it later, let me get just 15 more minutes of sleep."

Coming soon, after the third part of the Chronicles of Dorm(ia), Wasserman-Selvarajah Productions bring you Penis in the Mouth: A Tale of Alex Savvides, coming soon to a theatre near you!!

All right, now comes my greatest responsibility as the universally loved and feared Ceasar-esque leader of our suite: brooding in my *newly rearranged* room, listening to the Arcade Fire, planning my first weekend of belligerently excessive drinking since my birthday and glancing over at the Medium personals.

Err... and updating our new blog.

Yeah, Blog!

All right, so we should start making guest accounts for the people who don't live in our suite but hang out here about as much as we do. Now, clearly, waayyy too many motherfuckas are going to want to get in on this blog, as we're so universally popular. Like, I was on the A bus today, and none less than 87 distinct individuals asked to be allowed the honor, nay, the distinct honor of posting on our blog.

Even the bus driver, which constituted a major safety hazard, and resulted in the bus combusting into flames a la the Out of Service group picture.

Now this would be a nightmare for the owner of record and founding father of this blog, the brown guy with the Boondocks Saints theme and the dude-dress...

So I propose that we limit admission into this most vaunted of Rutgers institutions to those that we love the most... like your mom, and anybody famous, like the members of Whitesnake, Poison, and Quiet Riot, with the understanding they play at our next 80's Dance Party, if we have another one.

I thought I would draw on all the humor we'd generated in the past semester, and thoughtfully wrote on our "Wall of Dan!", or, no, that's someone else's wall, our wall is the "Wall of Funnyrabbits." That's us... funnyrabbits, 'cause we're funny, and we do other things that start with F, just like rabbits... like, we are Furry, Friggen Cool, Flatulent (Dan agrees with all his heart, and some of his butt, too), and sometimes we act like real fagg0rs. What is a fagg0r? According to urbandictionary.com, that means we are exponentially more gay than a regular homosexual.I've made this useless graph to educate you. As you can probably figure out, that wavy red line represents a normal gay person. It's wavy because only heterosexual people may be graphed linearly. The exponential line is, us, being fagg0rs. I've taken care to make it a girly fuscia color, not that I know what fuscia really looks like (it was a lucky guess, I promise)... ... ... Not gay.

So, I was going to post what is on our wall, but if you're reading this you've probably seen it already. Besides, I can't even see the wall right now. Looking to my left: Veenz watching TV, a fan, a bottle of disinfectant we use to clean up the air after you visit us. To my right: Chaos, and a box of Thai Noodle soup, which I reckon you might have a chance to eat if you visit us any time before the end of the semester. In front, the boob tube, sans boobage. So there, the wall is clearly missing, or it's behind me, above me, or underneath me -- I'll leave you in suspense.

Finally, this post is way too long, but has been a great break from DiffyQ. I wrote "DIfferential Equations" that way so that you could get that ticklish feeling, you know, when you want to laugh, but you might offend me? Jerk...
Just kidding. I love you. No, really, you're lovely. Your perfume smells of roses and sweet petunias. Your sight is like a sweet caress upon my eyes. I look at you, sigh with great satisfaction, and die, but my business here is incomplete, so I come back to watch you. Hey, is that Casper over there? Beetlejuice? Freakin' cool. Peace out.

HEY LISTEN!

Dan has had his fun with that wonderful post, which also happens to be %100 accurate. No joke. When he began work on Chronicles of Dorm(ia), I thought that it would have been neat if there were pictures of the respective members to go along with their descriptions. That idea has now evolved into this post. As an internet connoisseur, I have found, through months of research, cross-referencing, and interviews, pictures on the internets that in some manner resemble my roomates.

Now the five of you reading this may be asking why we didn't just combine the features, so that the descriptions would go along with pictures. Well, homie don't play that way. Note to self: you make a terrible black person, even on the internet.

Also, we're not coordinated in the least. Seriously, we have a hard enough time putting our pants on by ourselves, I doubt we'd be able to collaborate properly. And therefore, without further ramblings, I present to you my feature.

Internet Pictures That Remind Me of My Roomates (I couldn't think of a good title, fuck you)

Alex
Now you may be asking, how'd you get a picture of Alex 40 years from now? Do you have a time machine? Well the answer is no, and you're an idiot. However, I can understand the confusion. I believe this is a picture of good ol' Boris Yelstin, but that really doesn't matter so much.

What really matters is that this is a picture of some old white guy doing the chicken dance: an iconic representation of Alex. Those of you who know Alex, are quite aware of his vocal stylings and ridiculously awesome dance moves that he brings to our dorm. This also happens to be the picture I found most hilarious during my research, and no one can quite make me laugh like Alex can. [not gay]

Dan
Oh Dan, who is this guy? Well, whatever. He has a mullet, and I'm fairly certain those are universally hilarious. Although in truth, this picture was not my first choice. This guy was.

Dan's flowing locks of hair rival my own. His charming smile, and slightly crazed look, have indeed brightened our dorm. Dan sure loves his music, and I'm positive this fellow mulleteer to our left likes to rock out as well. While we sometimes may be at odds, Dan and I have become good friends: some would say that he is indeed my dorm rival (ok, no one says that, but I wanted to waste some space). I will end this with a thanks to Dan, for letting me mooch off his guitar last semester, and for teaching me some cool shit.

And thusly ends the first portion of my feature: partly because I really don't want to write anymore, partly because I haven't found a picture for Mike, and partly because I should probably do some homework.

Part two of my chronicles of dorm(ia) post.

Here are the rest of the dorm players.

Mike, aka "The Ring-Leader"

Mike has earned his nickname through pure hard work and dedication. And because he's the only person in the dorm who is not a lazy, degenerate, son of a bitch. Mike is always hard at work on the internet or playing guitar, but ocassionally he takes a few breaks from doing nothing to study. Mike's a Jew, and damn proud of it, and he'll fight you to the death if you make any jokes about pennies or bagels, becasue he don't take shit from anyone. And ladies, guess what, this sexy beast is single.

Vinoo, aka "Veens, I can't come up with a damn nickname for you"

Vinoo is the slinky, self described "brown thunder," who can often be found in the trees around crosby. When he's not climbing trees and eating dried mango's with his primate friends, he can almost always be found sleeping in his bed, reading comics in his bed, or playing video games in his bed. Sometimes he can even be found studying... in his bed. How can one human be so lazy and yet be able to climb trees and wrestle, you ask? Well, who ever said he was human? Vinoo can also be found praying at his Chuck Norris shrine and squeaking at cute kittens, or anything shiny that might catch his attention.

I love blog!

This blog will be epic. I'll start by transcribing our wall of quotes... tomorrow.

Ok, nice first attempts at posts, guys, but I think I'll throw my digital hat into the digital arena and give it a go. Since this is the first post, I think I'll have to sum up our dorm, to let others, and even each other, know what our dorm's all about. By the time I'm done you'll know more about about us than we know about your mom, and trust me, that's a real freakin' lot.

Here are the players (in no particular order)

Ravi, aka "Numbers"

This dorm member is no stranger to any kind of Math or business theory that you can't possibly comprehend. He eats books for breakfast. And he eats salad for lunch, and sometimes even cereal (oooh, badasss). As we speak he is devising strategies to conquer the world, or, more likely, just playing Grand Theft Auto (most likely to practice his skull bashing techniques). He even has a facebook group devoted to him, "Down with Ravi". Ok, not so much devoted to him, but he still has more than you. Don't cross this brown man, or he will make a comment so deadly that it will sap the noise from the air, and create an extremely awkward silence.

Roman, aka "The Russian Bear"

Don't let this dorm member fool you with his constant gay innuendos, he's 100% man. When he's not breaking the ladies' hearts, he can be found in semi-homo-erotic wresting matches with his life partner... I mean, friend, white nick. Roman is so manly that he doesn't even bother to clean after himself because, as he puts it, "that's women's work, and I certainly aint no woman."

Alex, aka "Huh?"

Alex is the articulate dorm member. A journalism major, whose work has been featured in the Daily Targum, and even a few good publications, he knows what's what, even if it ins't always apparent to the people around him. With a voice like an angel, Alex is one sophistocated mother fucker you don't want to cross, or he'll report you to the Targum, where up to 8 people will read about what you did. Alex's witty comments are often published on brown napkins and displayed prominently in blue pen for all to see.

It's getting late, I'll fill you in about the rest of the crew later. TO BE CONTINUED...

We were going to use this as a facebook group... before the other suite gayed facebook up with their gayness.

And so we have to find refuge in some creepy Canadian blogger.com site.


I'm not sure what's Canadian about it....


Now send me some money.

we're making it internet

So, I'm sure the six people reading this (all members of our suite of course), are wondering...hey, why the hell do we have a blog?

Well the answer is quite simple, we've gotten far too awesome for just our dorm. I believe the great poet-philosopher Roman Stekolshchik (circa 2006) put it most appropriately: "we're making it internet."

That's right, gentlemen. We've surpassed the challenges of the physical world and now we're ready to conquer the internets, with our humor, wit, intellect, and general awesomeness.

Our purpose: To archive our awesomeness. To relate our stories so that they may become legends for the masses. Live through us, you know you want to.
The players: Crosby 3401 and the internet, our silent partner.
Our methods: Superior brain power, massive faggotry, and all-around good times.